Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Done it all

Done living, done loving,
Done moping, done vowing,
Done with expecting too much from him,
Done waiting for a close meeting with bliss,
Done with seeing you ruin me this way,
Done with not saying what i need to say,
Done with letting myself be soaked with despair,
Done with trying to always be right and fair,
Done with reminding you that i'm still alive,
Done with thinking of you with bloodshot eyes,
Done with being tagged as nerd and weird,
Done with wanitng to be seen or heard,
Done with dreaming impossible dreams,
Done with not looking at truth the way it seems,
Done with stupid crushes and tons of fights,
Done with trying not to take sides,
Done with expecting more outta life,
Done with saying repeated goodbyes,
Done with letting this silence pierce me,
Done with pretending but not being me.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Smiley memories◕‿◕

                                                      

>>You look at some people – content with their lives, happy, bother-free – and you smile.◕‿◕

>>You look at comedians, or read jokes or watch comedy and your lips curve automatically into a smile.◕‿◕

>>Some people have it as a default expression. You see them and they’re forever smiling. No worries at all, smile and make others smile. Those smiles are so full of positive vibes that your mouth automatically returns an effortless smile in response.◕‿◕

>>You give a sweet or a new game to your younger brother and he’s so happy he can’t contain he’s enthusiasm and excitement at all and he’s running all around the place with bright, happy eyes. You look at him and feel his excitement and enthusiasm too and a reminder of your childhood flashes by, and you smile.◕‿◕

>>You look at a couple looking into each other’s eyes with so much intensity and love; you feel that their gaze will make you go blind. But you still can’t look away coz you want to feel that love too, even though for a minute, you want to forget your misery and pain and you want to feel love; everlasting, beautiful, strong love. This thought makes you realize that there is still optimism and love left in you. You feel so light-hearted and lively that it automatically makes you smile.◕‿◕

>>you look at your sister; her head scrunched up in concentration over a mystery being unveiled in a daily soap. You ask her to chill and stop giving herself a brain tumor and her irritated expression on being disturbed and concentration and expression makes you feel so amused that you smile and more often, end up laughing.◕‿◕

>>you look at your parents fighting with each other, shouting their heads off about the silly negligence and mistakes on each of their parts. Dad’s shouting about how mum wants a new sari every other week, mum shouts about how dad doesn’t buy her anything, dad shouts about how mum only watches her wannabe K-serials, mum shouts about how she’s fed up of dad watching cricket and the fight goes on. You are so irritated that you go to your room and concentrate on not concentrating on their yells. You go back downstairs after an hour and you see that they’ve already made it up to each other and dad’s sleeping on mum’s lap and she’s ruffling his hair with love and affection. You warmth of that moment is so gooey yet so intense, you can’t help smiling.◕‿◕

>>you're sitting in a bus thinking about every possible thing. suddenly a memory of you and you friends rain dancing with a waterpipe flashes through your mind and you just can't help smiling.◕‿◕

>>your teacher is dissing you in front of the whole class and your friends are laughing silently at the free entertainment. Their free, childish and carefree laughter is so infectious that you yourself end up laughing; only that in this case it ends up ruining your case.◕‿◕

>>your crush notices you for the very first time in months. Even though it is just because you both are exam partners and he’s asking for a pen, you can’t help feeling your legs turn to jelly and your head dizzying up and your face heating up into a totally pronounced blush. And he looks at you and gives a “maybe she’s always this crazy” smile, and you know he thinks you’re insane but still you can’t help smiling back.◕‿◕

Wish these smiles could stay with us forever ◕‿◕

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

If embarrassment could kill……

                          cool myspace layouts

Then I would be a dead cat (even with 9 lives) right now.
Everyone has embarrassing moments. So do I. but isn’t it bugging when most of these embarrassing moments happen when your crush is around or when you’re trying to act cooler than you are or when you’re exercising yoga in a room of dozen people?????????.....

Yeah… I’m a hell of a package of “WTF” moments. Why don’t you guys take a sneak-peak through my most embarrassing moments of all times and decide which moment should get the WTF award?

So here goes…..

5. I’m performing yoga and this ‘asana’, I don’t know the name, is very tiring. It’s 6.30 in the morning, I’m dying of dehydration, and yet my parents are subjecting me to this brutality. So, I had to take a deep breath and bend backwards. And in a flash of a second, I black out and I’m lying on the floor with my eyes closed and a smile on my face(so say my friends who were there too). After a minute or too I open my eyes and see all the dozen people staring down at me with incredulity. And I’m perplexed to find myself hugging the ground in the first place coz I hadn’t even realized anything until then. And the guru comes up to me with tears(of laughter) in her eyes and tells me “it happens”. And then she turns around to the room and tells everyone that when your mind is not into it and you’re feeling sleepy, you tend to black out and fall down sometimes. I was so embarrassed then that my face had turned a shocking shade of scarlet.

4. I’ve just given my English paper and I’m super-excited about discussing it with others. So in a hurry to reach them and boast about my awesome paper and the perfect grades that I’m gonna get, I forget that the last step on the ground floor is super-slippery, and jump on it, albeit. And next I know I’ve landed my 70-kilo self on a skinny geeky guy who looked close to tears and who looked as if he might break at the slightest touch. And if that weren’t enough, all my friends had witnessed the scene and were laughing their asses off over my very super landing. I dump my question paper into my bag and rush as fast as I could towards the washroom, where, instead of crying, I’m laughing hysterically. One of my girlfriends, thinking that I might have felt bad, enters the washroom and is shell-shocked when she sees me laughing maniacally.

3. “Oh just get in already”, I’m yelling at my 3 newly purchased jaipuri chappals to fit into the bag properly before my grandma comes to check my purchases. Being a shopaholic, if you have a couple thousand-rupee notes in your hand and Jaipur-the ultimate shopping destination-at your mercy, then you do seem to go a little mad. But come on, seeing my past records, 2 bags, 4 chappals, a couple of antiques and a dozen multicolored bangles is totally acceptable, in fact it’s a miracle. But my granny doesn’t understand. So I decided that 2 bags and one pair of chappals is all she needs to know about. I’ve tried about a thousand ways of trying to fit them into my suitcase but to no avail. Seems like they don’t like the injustice I’m inflicting on them. “Dimpu”, Oh my god! That’s my granny calling me with my nickname. I know, the nickname is in itself very embarrassing. “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GET IN” I’m begging now. No, no, I’m not schizophrenic. It’s just that if my granny sees my purchases then I’d have to say goodbye to my allowances for….well, forever. Oh my god, she’s here. I hurriedly hide it one of the cupboards behind me without even seeing what’s there inside. She comes in and I show her my purchase and she’s all happy about my self-restraint. Oh, just bite me! So anyways, just when she’s about to leave, my aunt comes into the room and goes directly for the cupboard I had hid my shoes in. Oh boy! Please let a chasm open below my feet before I witness my own doom. She has finally opened the cupboard and wat I see makes me wanna die then and there. I had dumped my chappals in a plate full of pickles! And now, both my chappals and pickles have been ruined. What follows next...I’d better stop here or else I’d embarrass myself more than I had bargained for.

2. My friend and I are waiting for this bus since 15 mins… 30 mins... 45 mins… Ok that’s it. Just when we go a little further way from the bus stop to hire a cab, we see the bus. Now we may be at least a mile away, but god knows why, without even deciding upon it we’re running as if our life is depended upon it. Everyone on the road watch us with so much interest you’d say they were watching Rakhi Sawant-Mika controversy, LIVE. The bus driver sees us and suddenly feels he’s getting too late and we’re just five steps away from the bus. My friend gets on it and I’m still hanging to the handle but the bus driver doesn’t care. Now there’s a hot babe standing there pointing for the bus to stop and BANG! The bus jerks to a stop in a nanosecond and my head….well all I can say that thank god I didn’t get amnesia. So finally I get into the bus, we get ourselves decent seats and try not to look at anyone due to our very embarrassing entry. But seems like God wasn’t done with us just yet, so when we finally ask the conductor to give us tickets for our destination, guess what he says – THIS BUS WON’T GO THERE!!!!!!!!!

1. I’m standing outside my college and eating “dosa” with my friends. I’m not too fond of dosa actually but u see, my crush is standing right beside me, showing me as much attitude as he can because he already knows I have a crush on him, courtesy my friends throwing a paper-ball at him with “Jitika ♥ B______” engraved all over it on friendship’s day. I haven’t been able to NOT blush whenever he’s near ever since. So I’m all hyper-nervous coz I had promised myself that I’ll try to talk to him today and get him to be friends with me. But God had planned something else for me, obviously. So a bunch of stubborn beggars come and herd me and threatening me to follow me until I’ve given them a decent sum of money. I know, bunch of 5-year old beggars threaten me! Such is my reputation. So anyways, I start rummaging through my wallet for some change for these kids, just to show to my crush that I am full of sympathy and compassion. On realizing that all the change has accumulated at the depth of my wallet, I start removing the my money out. And one of the beggar-kids snatch a 50 rupee note from my hand and runs away. I’m totally shocked. I start swearing at those kids at the top of my voice and run behind them as soon as I come back to my senses. And look at the daring of those kids. They turn back, look at me, make funny faces, laugh at their own joke and run away. I’m so angry that my eyes had filled up. Trying to calm myself, I turn back towards my friends and see that they’re all suppressing giggles. I peek towards my crush and he’s laughing too. Oh GODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!! WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL ME, ALREADY!!!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

After all, we're "Bitch-Sisters"

Dear bitches,

Yeah, you’re right. It addresses you. You people must have stripped my total personality and hammered it until it turned unmendable. And kudos for your success! You made me cry, you made me shout, swear, run and most of all you have made me so angry that I could just kill! Yeah pretty strong coming from the very innocent, harmless, ignorant and immature teenager, isn’t it? Well, I credit you for the very pronounced change I’m going through and the hell that you’re gonna face soon. You’re 100% responsible for making me see and be best of buddies with bitch in me. I’ll be forever thankful to you guys for that coz if it weren’t had been for you, I’d still be sitting alone somewhere and crying my eyes out over some stupid, trivial yakking you’ll so famously keep doing. No worries now! I’ve joined your small community and as an active member now, I guess, I too, am deemed to be tagged as a snobbish bitch. Doesn’t matter. What’s in a name? You should know that better, right. Anyways, I write this letter to inform all my bitch-sisters to welcome this new entrant with open arms (or crisp and mind-wracking gossip in your case) coz this bitch is here to stay.

Your's truly,
xyz.

P.S.: no offence but can you just inform me you have your next bitching session? Gotta keep myself updated :)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I dream..

I dream of me
Free from myself,
From irony, from paradox
And all other nonsense.
I dream of me
As a naked soul
In search of
That tiny bit of truth residing in me
Still lost somewhere.
I dream of me
Flying high in the sky
Up above the trivial things in life
In my own happy world of freedom,
No wonder, these dreams don’t come true
And whenever I think of them,
Oh my! They just make me sigh.
I dream of you
Calling my name
With warmth and affection and love
It makes me go paranoid
Coz I know it’s a dream,
This is as true as it can get.
I dream of us
Discovering ourselves
And our innermost beauty
That we had hidden so well
I dream, I dream, I dream,
However, the dream fades away
By the blink of the eye.
And the second I open my eyes
And face reality
It slashes my heart in two.
And now I wanna go back to dreaming
And relishing its beauty
Of impossibility and imagination
But there remains this inadequacy
And nothing can be done now,
So I just have this little request:
Oh dream! Just come true already!

Its Complicated...

The more I meet you and the more I talk to you and the more I observe you makes me know you more and what I see makes me realise that I don't know you at all and it makes me all the more angry and distant from you and all the more confused about myself and our relationship and it makes me wanna stop talking to you totally. But as soon as I think of that, it hurts to know that I wouldn't have you anymore to share my deepest secrets with or remove my anger on or share my crazy ideas with or have someone calm me down when I'm angry or cheer me up when I'm sad...this thought is unbearable...so the less I meet you, the less I'll know you and the less I'll hate you and the less I'll feel like quitting on us. And even though it'll make me all the more distant from you, I wouldn't mind coz atleast I'll get to keep you with me even and talk to you, even if it is for a very less time, coz I can't imagine my life without you. So until I prepare myself to either accept things the way they are and move on with them or decide that it's too much for me and I can't take it anymore, I wan't you more than anything in this world coz the aura of optimisim, love, care and happiness you're always surrounded with and inflict on everyone around you is become a drug for me without which I can't survive...so until then, please bear me coz I'm not ready to say goodbye, atleast not yet...

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Zindagi Rewinded!

You close your eyes for the very last time_you pray_you look back at everything you’ve done and not done in life_you cry_you sit there on a wheelchair all alone, thinking about the many mistakes you’ve committed_you bid your husband the last goodbye as he goes into the afterworld_you entertain your grandkids_you roam the world_you retire_you look at all the photos from childhood to now, there’s no time to feel sad, there’s work to do_your maid knows your kids better than you do_you’re become a workaholic_you give birth to a son_you work_daughter comes to you to play, you’re busy_you work_you hire a maid for your kid_you give birth to a daughter_you work harder_you get promoted_you slog day and night_you get a leave but you want to work, to prove yourself_you get pregnant_you’re on your honeymoon_you get married, you’re blissful_you fall in love_you see him for the first time_you get the best job in the world_you enter the real world_you’re a college graduate_ permanent separation from everyone_the farewell, you cry and bid your friends goodbye_you look around at your college for the last time_you finally pay your canteenwalla the bill of thousands of rupees accumulated in the five years you spent there_phew!exams over, party time_oh god! exam time, god bless me?_photosessions whenever you’re free or whenever you look pretty_you patch up_you fight with your friends_you look at someone familiar, realize it’s your school mate but what’s her name?_you have crushes_you make friends_the first day of college, you’re very nervous_results_school exams_school farewell, promises to keep in touch_you start growing up_the hormonal changes, oh my god! you’re totally freaked out_your first puberty_you play_you’re carefree_homework-school-play-sleep, the simple routine for the simple life_the fights you have that lasts only for a day_biggest worry at that age-what to play?_you meet your best friend who is gonna stay there by you forever_you go to school for the first time, pretty nervous_interviews for admission in school_enrolled in playgroup _the first time you learn to walk_seeing tears in your mother’s eyes when you call her “mama” for the first time_the first time you learn to talk_the non-verbal disagreements with your mom about the food she’s making you eat_potty training_the many nappies you ruined_you’re given a name_you’re caressed_your family’s tears the first time they hold you_the doctor’s satisfaction on seeing you cry when you come out of your mother’s womb_you open your eyes for the very first time.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

He...She....Love...

It was his sixth coffee, third magazine and a millionth peep through the glass door of the café.
It was their fifth anniversary and he was going to propose to her for marriage. But it has been 2 hours now and she hadn’t turned up yet. He has started to lose some of the happiness and courage that he felt before. The diamond ring resting in his pocket felt 10 times heavier and the plan that he had been making since a week seemed more wrong and stupid by the minute. He wanted to run away but then her face flashed in his mind and he froze there in his seat. Sure, he was afraid of committing. But what’s the big deal, he thought. Her sweet yet coy smile (which made him go weak in his knees) playing in his mind made him realize that she’s the only one he’s ever going to love. So why get scared now? Why run away? Why not let this be the big step towards their happy ending?
But she hadn’t come yet. The waiter had come again to clear his table and take his order for yet another coffee.
“Will you need one more, sir?” the waiter looked at the rose on the table and his expression turned sympathetic.
She is going to come. It’ has always been her habit. When has she ever come on time, anyways? An hour here and there doesn’t matter. But he couldn’t deny the fact that this was the longest she had kept him waiting.
He couldn’t call her. He couldn’t bear to hear some excuse that she’ll make and cancel the meeting. It has taken a lot of courage to get to this decision. One change and it’ll set him back a long way in their relationship. He had to do it today because he knew that if he didn’t do it today, he’ll never be able to do it again.
“Just this last. She’s just on her way”, he said, more to himself than to the waiter.
He switched to another magazine. 10th peep through the glass door in 30 seconds.
Suddenly, realization hit him. God, so stupid of me! She’s not coming because she has already realized I’m going to propose and she’s not ready. Or maybe she doesn’t want to marry me at all and she doesn’t want to break my heart by rejecting me on my face; negative thoughts had taken permanent residence in his mind. Her face flashed in his mind again. Agony engulfed him.
He called for the bill. “She’ll come, sir. Why don’t you wait for another 5 minutes?” said the waiter.
He just smiled at him. Sadness totally pronounced in it. He wanted to go home, where he could cry without feeling embarrassed. He wanted to be alone. Just when he paid the bill and made to get up, she came. She was drenched from head to toe, due to the torrential rain pouring outside, and her expression was that of apology.
She ran towards him, kissed him on the cheek and reasoned her lateness. He didn’t care. Funny how just a mere sight of her could send a solid current of electricity though him and make his insides burn with joy. All the negativity, fear, cowardice – her presence had dissolved everything.
He felt like an idiot for even entertaining thoughts of separation. Her kiss, her apology and her most all, her presence were proof that she loved him too.
Nothing mattered then. He removed the ring from his pocket, bent down on one knee in front of everyone in the café and proposed to her then and there, the motto ‘now or never’ running through his head.
Her mouth was hanging open in shock, her hand frozen in mid-air.
“Will you marry me” he asked with all the confidence that he could muster.
“Now he says”, she laughed, teary-eyed(it made her look even more beautiful) “I thought I’d have to wait until we’d be 60.”
He got up. They hugged and made to leave. Just then the waiter went running towards them, “you forgot the rose, sir.” The waiter gave the rose to her, said “Congratulations”, winked at him and gave him a thumbs-up in farewell.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Celebration..

Its 11.45 and I had just reached home. As I was trying to change into my pajamas and go to sleep without waking up my parents, I tripped over my little brother who wakes up and starts crying, wailing more like. It’s so like me to screw already screwed up things for myself and end up in deep s**t. Hurriedly, I hid myself beneath the many layers of my bed sheet and prayed fruitlessly for my heartbeat, which was thumping loudly, to go back to its normal pace. Feigning sleep as my dad came to check on me, I thought back at how memorable that day of Holi had been……
Our society people had organized a Holi party consisting of DJ and rain dance much to the excitement of us girls, who were not otherwise allowed to go out and celebrate this day for the fear that “eve- teasers” are on their all-time high.


Was it the colors or the DJ or the (recreational) rain or the dancing, I don’t really know. Maybe it was a mixture of all of it, but this has been the most fantastic Holi-party ever. We ended up celebrating until after noon and only when the sun had become unbearably hot and was messing with our already chemically-affected skin did we actually decide to back home.

But the fun didn’t end here. It was also our cutest friend, Shikha’s birthday that day and we made sure it was the most memorable birthday she ever celebrated. Due to the fact that we were running out of funds for birthday gifts, we decided that hand-made gifts are most appreciated by everyone and made her a movie. A MOVIE from all her pics and of course, the most common, a birthday card.
Our bad luck that it was Holi and top it up with the fact that we didn’t even make a reservation in any restaurant, we ended up making more bill out of our taxi fare than we did on our food. The crowd outside every restaurant was so much; you’d say they had all just declared that they’re distributing free food! Not unexpected that we had to wait one hour to get ourselves a table. Hungry, crabby, bored and tired, we didn’t even dare talk knowing that even the slightest of things will set us off and world war 3 will commence then and there.

Just then a cake from 210 came to our rescue on the back seat of Monal’s Activa. Trust me, if it hadn’t been for the cake, we would have all just died due to the famine-like condition we were in.
To hell with etiquette and sophistication, we thought and buried ourselves in the cake sitting on the Activa right there on the street in front of the restaurant we were waiting outside. Monal’s Activa had suffered a lot of damage and was in dire need of a good wash once our cake was over. Finally, when all our growling stomachs were temporarily fed, cheerfulness made its way back into our little gang again and we resorted to the only thing that we do…. always. PHOTOSESSION.
We finish with our dinner by 11.15 and I’m feeling all panicky coz I was already past my curfew time and even though it’s the first time I’ve broken my curfew, I was sure to get grounded owing to the fact that
a.It was Holi
b.I had not asked for permission but merely mentioned it to my father and had run out of the room before he could even open his mouth and
c.I’m not sure whether my voice was audible enough when I asked my dad for permission (mentioned that I’m going i.e.) for dinner.
Oh boy, I’m so frickin dead!
But the cabbie was so helpful, trust me! He was driving his cab at 120 SPEED and he had broken all the signals (not that anyone follows signals at 11 in the night, but still) even wished me luck when I got out of the cab. So nice of him.
I thought I still had a chance to ditch punishment if I got home before dad; he mostly goes for a late-night walk and comes back by 12. But it was just my luck that not only did he have to be there when I got home but also my sister had to start acting that she was asleep and that I had woken her up and that she’ll go and complain dad that I had come late if I didn’t give her a Rs. 50 note. I know. All sisters are the same.
But in the end, dad comes out and takes my younger brother into his room and (thank god for that) falls asleep.
Wow, all in all, a pretty eventful day, eh?