Friday, April 23, 2010

Nerdy love

I saw him everyday sitting on the first bench in the class, drinking in every word said by the professor. Even the super soporific power of the most boring of teachers couldn’t make him yawn. He was 6’1. He wore heavily magnified glasses which totally ruined the beauty of his honey brown eyes. He had a lanky profile. His walk always made it seem as if he was about to fall. He always carried the same boring black bag which was always in danger of tearing off due to the dozen books which were crammed into it. Checked shirt was the only kind of clothing he wore. His awesomely curly hair was always greased up with loads of hair oil. He was a nerd. And I was totally head over heals for this guy.

What was it that attracted me towards him?
Well, that’s a mystery to me too. 

He was a very coy and quiet guy. Everyone teased him, called him words, he didn’t once retaliate.
But did it hurt him?

I had once seen him come out of the men’s room all puffy-eyed and his nose was a nasty shade of tomato. I just couldn’t resist myself and went to him and asked if he was alright. Not having much experience in matters relating to guys and also because I had this big thing for him, I blushed. My face heated up and I’m dead sure it had gone scarlet. But instead of replying, he looked at me with confusion and wild fear in his red, swollen eyes. the intensity of his honey brown eyes, if nothing, made me blush even harder and turned my legs to jelly. He kept staring at me with those confused and fearfull eyes for at least a whole minute before stalking away without a single word.

I should have given up that time. I had approached him in front of all my class and he had run away without further ado. Not to mention, the taunting and teasing that followed later. I should have run away from him and never looked back at him again. No, I should have learnt all the swear words I could and should have spat them all at him at once. Or perhaps, I should just have given up.

But I was foolish enough or maybe it was just him, that I couldn’t help throwing a very pronounced and obvious glance at his direction every time I entered the class. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him through all the lectures. I couldn’t help going up to him and trying to chat with him on the pretense of asking for notes. I couldn’t help following him to the library and sitting there for hours doing nothing but ogling at him stupidly. Even though he considered me as nothing but thin, invisible air, I couldn’t help but let my helplessness overpower me and make me be swept over by his charismatic, nerdy beauty.

The bell rang for the submission of the last exam of the term after which we would both go our different ways and never look back at each other ever again. This was my last time to do something, if there was anything to be done for that matter.

I approached him again. He seemed very happy about something. He was ticking off something on his question paper; each tick punctuated with his whoop. He looked so cute at that time, that you just call me a superwoman to resist myself from going to him and kissing him then and there.

He saw me coming and his face was immediately replaced with an expression of fear he had once worn. But he didn’t go away. That automatically increased my confidence. I finally reached him and stood there in front of him expectantly as if he was the one who had called me and I was waiting for him to say whatever he wanted to. We stood there like that for what felt like an eternity. And then, much to my surprise, he removed this small note from his bag and gave it to me and very slowly and carefully, after measuring my expression and assuming a positive response from me, he hugged me.

And then, he went away, leaving me rooted to the spot, gobsmacked. After recovering myself from the shock (which took another eternity), I opened his note. He had written just three words –

                                         I am “chealsea-fan”

There was this unknown someone whom I have been chatting with since a whole year – "chelsea-fan". He was my chat friend. We hadn’t seen each other ever. But we shared everything with each other. All our feelings, dreams, desires, ambitions, likes, dislikes, insecurities. Everything.

You can only guess how happy I was on reading that tiny note.
Butterflies had started fluttering in my stomach. My eyes were sweating tears like a leaking faucet. I felt like I had just been to heaven and back. It was him all along. He was “chealsea-fan”. He loved me too.

My joy knew no bounds.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I weigh 70 kgs. i resemble more of a baby elephant than a 18 yr-old teenager.
What's more?
I don't give a damn.

But i guess my parents do. They won't let a single day pass without yelling their heads off at me to STOP IT.

Come on, how am i supposed to *stop it* anyways?
I mean, what do you expect me to do when there's the tempting perfume of "French fries" wafting into my system on one side and sweat-breaking, irritating and mind-boggling dumbbells and treadmills on the other?


I see people look at me and smirk. Some look at me with pitiful eyes as if being fat is the worst that could happen to me. Some just stare at me with disgust and stalk away immediately as if i'm some kind of a plague and i would affect them too if they're in close proximity with me. 
WTF, dude.
Even mere acquaintances don't bother keeping their opinions to themselves and they find it of utmost importance and their personal duty to enlighten me (taunt, more like) about my body everytime we meet.

Do i get angry? Do i feel humiliated? Do i feel insecure? Am i overpowered with a strong urge to do something that would shut their mouths forever?

Hell yeah.
But at that precise moment of "anger" and "thirst to prove everyone wrong", someone brings pavbhaji in front of my nose and all thoughts of determination is flushed down the drain.

I'm an *eatoholic* (if that's even a word) and i'm not embarrassed about that. So people, please stop barking down my head about how much of an ungrateful, forever hogging jerk i am, coz, when i'm actually thinking and preparing to *decide*, "food" always wins all arguments.
So in the end of the day, it has and will always be between pasta and sizzlers. it was never between thin and fat anyways. ;)

Friday, April 16, 2010

The first time i fell in love...

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

Aqualung : brighter than sunshine...i fell in love the very first time i heard it...never felt so strongly abt love anytime other than this... funny how a song can make it happen when not a single guy has made me feel so strongly and emotionally ever before...^_^

Thursday, April 15, 2010


there are some moments in your life where you wish beg for a chasm to open beneath your feet so that you can bury yourself in it and get lost forever...

then there are moments when you just feel like cutting a certain person into thousand minuscle pieces and throwing him into the deepest pit of hell...

there are also moments where you know its your fault and there's no one else to blame and you end up feeling miserable...

and then there are those moments where you don't know what's wrong, why you've suddenly started feeling so awkward, why your perfect exurbant mood has changed into that of misery...

but the most troublesome are those moments where you know that the opposite person is wrong but you still can't help feeling embarrassed to face him and there's always that awkwardness and guilt in your conscience which you can't even explain to yourself...

thats when you know you're losing it...

what would you prefer?
enemy OR friend turned aquaintance?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Stuck in a limbo!

I've never been more aware of myself...
It's as if someone has opened a window of a forsaken part of my mind which i had kept tightly shut and forgotten about until now. Everything's coming flooding back and changing my total self, introducing me to my other self, my alter-ego, the real me.

I've never been more sure of myself...
i know exactly what i want in life. my most inner desires, my wants, my needs, all spread out in front of me as if i'm watching some slow life-altering movie. All that i hated and loved, things i never thought i'd do or let happen; never thought i'd come across the real me. I now know exactly which path i need to walk on, where my life's supposed to head, where i'l see myself 10 yrs from now.

I've never been so afraid of myself...
I was never good with responsibilities. I always failed in that department. Same's the case with power. Power makes me over confident. It ruins me. I destroy myself. This self awareness, surity, aim, goal - I dont have the strength to handle it all. I've sudenly become so vulnerable to myself that it scares me it'll get over my head and distract me from my path.

I've never been so angry with myself...
I know what i'm supposed to do, what my goals are; but i've never felt so helpless. Coz i'm also aware of the responsibility that comes with it and the power that follows after. It scares me to know that i have the power to rule my life and this realisation is threatening. I'm the most dangerous at my most powerful. I've experienced it before and it would be foolish to let that happen again.

So what does all this mean? Where does it lead me?
All i want now is for this open window to be closed again forever and for it to get lost in the deepest maze of my mind so that it becomes untraceable.
Self awareness be damned!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Screwed !!?!!!??

Sometimes you wish...beg for some solitude and tranquility. Asking that from your family may well be the easiest thing to gain. After all they're family. They want to see you happy even if its their distance you're asking for, they wouldn't think twice. Only you realise - and it may be too late then - that what you've asked for is them to fuck off forever, atleast it's the way they've taken your wish to be. Much too late you realise that you've screwed things completely. What's done is done.

There's no rewind, after all!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

In Venus’s dynasty...

They say it’s a man’s world.

Man’s world? Really?

Infact, I think it has gradually turned into a women’s world. Everywhere you go, every news you see, girls are at the focal point. They’re at the core of all attention. Moreover, the core of all problems too.

I’m a girl. However, I just can’t help noticing that guys have taken a backseat in EVERYTHING. May it be in a parliament or a small family? Women are the rulers now. And I know that I should feel happy about it but try as much as I do I just can’t bring myself to feel joyous about this situation at all. In fact, it feels as if I’m watching this very famous K-serial where a vamp (women in this case) plans every move in detail to get the desired throne and voila! Do you even see any guy around anymore? Instead of progress, it feels more like a con game to me.

Maybe I’m just paranoid or I’m getting so cynical about everything these days that it has just given my point of view a 180 degree turn or maybe it’s just an after effect of studying too much. Or it may be because of the incident that happened when I was travelling by the bus recently where an elderly man was shouted at and humiliated in front of all the people for sitting on a seat reserved for women and asked the lady to sit someplace else coz he’s got a knee problem!

Yeah! That’s what pisses me off the most. First of all, women have already been provided with 25% seats in BEST buses. No one says anything if they sit in seats other than which is reserved for them but if a man commits this heinous crime of even taking a step towards that “for ladies” seat, he’s dead! Second it with the fact that women are still not satisfied with this arrangement and are demanding a 50-50 seating arrangement. Yeah, I can totally see the justice in that. NOT.

Then there’s this matter about the women’s bill that has been the focus of current discussion. Don’t even get me started about that or you’ll end up dozing off on your desks itself.

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And just take a simple matter of a husband coming home late from work or forgetting his wife’s birthday. What follows next is formidable for me to speak about. Only hint I can give is that either the husband will be seen with a few bandages adorning his body or he’ll be starving to death in the coming days whereas if a girl forgets her boyfriend’s or husband’s birthday, it’s still the guy’s responsibility to remind her and empty his pockets by treating her lavishly for the forgetfulness. Girls, in this case, are considered cute.

If a guy slaps a girl, he’s insensitive. If a girl slaps a boy, he’s still insensitive. If a guy is possessive about his girl, he’s over reacting and smothering her freedom. But if a girl is possessive, she’s totally in love with him and cares for him and the guy should respect that fact instead of demanding freedom.

I know it’s the guys’ faults too and I’m making a fool of myself here by insulting girls but as of now my psychology has reversed completely. So why not enjoy this contradiction and irony until it lasts and have a good laugh about whatever this is in the later life when we’re all old and over-mature?