Friday, October 22, 2010

On Weddings and Misanthropy!

Gosh, I just realized I hate almost everything. I mean it. I mean I hate animals, Indian food, exams, waking up early in the morning, romance, relationships, couples who go to Singapore-Malaysia for honey moon, summers, monsoon, documentary movies, cigarettes, snobs, children, being told off for being fat, people who think that they are the center of the Earth, The Earth itself, Sony Ericson's keypad, Maths, music that tears on my eardrums, stupid giggling girls, airheads, guys with yucky mustache, etc. etc.

But you know what I hate more than getting up at 7o'clock in the morning, more than children, more than rains, more that being told that I'm fat? It's Weddings!

  • I hate having to dress up like a traditional doll with big earrings and even bigger heels and dresses whose heavy bead work poke you and make you itch all over the place!
  • I hate having to call out to all the people I know and ask them how they are!
  • I hate having to smile all the time [do you even know how much it hurts?] and pretend to be heartily interested in other's boring, monotonous lives! 
  • I hate being asked my age again and again and predictions being made about when I'll marry! I mean dude, I've just turned 18. Will you just let me breathe?
  • I hate it when the conversation takes an unpleasant turn towards my weight and those over-smart, know-it-all, health experts suggest me a long yawn-able and the most bizarre and ridiculous things to become fit!
  • I hate it when people stare at my filled plate like I have committed some very heinous crime in loving sweets, chinese and pastas!
  • I hate it when they taunt me in every way possible and I just have to smile through all of it like I wish for nothing but to listen to them embarrass me in front of all the society!
  • I hate it all the more when I have to bear all this alone, with my sister vanished into thin air the moment we enter the venue!
  • I hate it when instead of taking my side, my parents would give me that look which plainly says, "you're getting a long lecture about this when you get home, young lady. And you better drop that ice-cream that you're holding." [Yeah, like I forced  you to bring me here in the first place, eh?]
  • And most of all, I hate the fact that I'm supposed to be shopping for a major wedding event in November wherein my cousin, my mother's most beloved niece, the dream daughter she never had, whom she would have readily exchanged me with and about whom she always lectures me [if given a chance] is getting married. The only thing which keeps my mouth shut is the shopping part!
  • The one fact that wins the number one spot in my "I Hate" list is the fact that the wedding is to take place in Rajasthan. I hate my village. The water tastes yuck. There's hot wind always blowing on your face and I'm also a bit scared about marriages in villages after listening to stories which revolve around a restless spirit entering the bride's or anyone else's body [who look smart and whom the spirit takes liking to]. I mean, what if the spirit gets to me? [I know what you're thinking and I'd rather you keep your thoughts to yourself :D]
You know what I think I'll do? I'll do all the shopping [you can never miss that] and then give some reason such as "I've got my exams" or "My students have their exams". The exam thing always work. And trust me, I've got exams every month. No one will suspect anything. :P

Anything to get rid of Weddings. Trust me, when I get married, it's gonna be on a beach. Salaam Namaste types. And there'll be swimming and dancing and staying in tents just after the wedding is over! And yeah, "the family" will be tied and gagged besides me all through the ceremony. :D

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

They say life's a bitch. I'm guessing they haven't given exams!

Funny how a super intelligent exam partner can change your mood from
 >__< to ^____________^
 in just half an hour! 

Would you believe me if I say I've copied my neighbor's paper word to word today 
without being caught or told off at all?

How cool is that?
Just the last exam "LAW" tomorrow and 
7o'clock will only be greeted by deep sleep for a whole month after.

The Nagging Bitch : Studyyou don't wanna fail now, do you? And Facebook is hardly gonna take you much far!
Me : Bitch off, gal! Just coz your definition of fun means solving accounts on a Sunday night with a coffee and calculator for company, doesn't mean we all are dying to follow you. I've got a life, you see.

Just pray, people,
that my result is ok enough to keep the bitch's mouth shut forever!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Words Fail. Music Doesn't.

Midival Punditz - Rebirth

Daft Punk - Emotion

Telefon Tel Aviv -Sound In A Dark Room

Apparat - Arcadia

Karsh Kale - Bright Like This

Monday, October 11, 2010

Unplugged Trance

A tiny part of my mind says I've been here.
Its a thought, I think.

I walk with that heady sense of purpose with a very unusual emotion named 'determination' etched on my face. Unusual coz determination is not me. Two crease lines on my face reveal the mingled tension and feverish excitement frothing and bubbling inside the calm facade.

Today is just like any other day. Today, i walk around those desolate streets searching for that one face, that house, that small playground behind that building, that broken swing with S.T. scratched on its seat, that kulfi-waala who hypnotizes children to buy kulfis in his sing-song voice, that P.C.O. which swallowed thousands of coins in favor of shattering my dreams forever. Today, I search for all of these with just as much anticipation as I did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that and so on and so forth. Today is same in all terms. Today, my feet still want to turn back and run away from this creepy hell-hole and not look back again. Today, I still remember vividly why I left here and why its taken me such a long time to find my way back again. Today, I'm just as scared of rejection and ignorance and denial as I was when I first stepped on these grounds. 
But today, I don't care as much about the fear or the creepy feeling or the past or anything which threatens to break the cords connecting me to this place. Today, I don't care whether its the last time ever or will always remain the first time of forever. Today, I'm purposeful. Today, I feel closer to destiny than I ever was in all this time. Today, therefore, is very different than all the other days. All the other days are irreplaceable, unchangeable. Today is happening and parts of it are still to happen. Today, I see hope. Today, I'm sure, is not gonna be like any other day. Today is going to be fruitful.

I no longer have to halt and think about where to go next. My feet are moving on their own accord, tracing the path which they have been taking everyday towards the same destination, leaving me free to dwell on things much more important. The deeper I go into this place, the stronger becomes the nostalgia, the guilt, the anticipation and the feeling that I'm there, at last. 

The buildings and shops around me are thinning. The road starts curving upwards which leaves me to see nothing but the forget-me-not blue sky and the murky, dusty road ahead flanked by trees on both sides with nothing for company but loneliness and the dread of what's awaiting me at the very end.

I'm about to reach the very top of the road and claustrophobia is already making its way through my slowly numbing body. I realize I still have the chance to turn back and forget the horror that'll meet my eyes in just a few seconds. But I realize then that I suddenly don't have control over my feet or on any other part of myself. Try as hard as I may to stop and turn back, my feet seem to have developed a mind of their own and are still placing themselves one before the other in a synchronized way. The end has come. The upward slope ends at the very top and any time now I'll take the last mistaken step expecting a new path but will instead be greeted by a dead-end and one leg dangling in mid-air, I'll lose my balance and fall face forwards into the fierce and ultra-strong waves crushing into the stones some 100feet beneath where I'm standing. I'll let out a blood curling scream a nano-second before the fall continuing onto my bed and making me sweat all over until I realize its nothing but a dream and finally wake up. And that's how I'll greet my new morning.

But, surprise makes my mouth fall open and makes my feet take an unexpected halt. Coz instead of a dead-end, my eyes are scanning a little village far below from where I'm standing. The road I've taken is taking a downward slope leading me towards the place I've spent my whole childhood in. Greenery, pond, small houses, it hasn't changed a bit. I can see the orange flag over a white marble temple in the middle of a village soaring and dancing in tune with the wind. I see the lake at other side of the village, some ducks swimming in it, a girl sitting on one bank, splashing her legs on its cool surface and looking at the setting sun. It feels so serene. But it's just a tiny blur from where I'm standing. I have to go down there to actually see it for real, to touch it, to feel it.

Even though my instincts are shouting at me to not be foolish and turn back thinking that this could be a trap, my heart has swelled five times its size just by the sight of the village downhill. I take one tentative step [coz despite my resolve I can't help waiting for the road to dissolve into nothingness making me fall into darkness], then another, and when I'm pretty sure there's nothing to fear, I break into a swift run with anticipation shining brightly in my eyes. I realized I had left the claustrophobia and the numbness at the top of the bridge.

Finally reaching the temple, I run inside it and look into the eyes of the God whom I had abandoned just like I had abandoned my childhood, the people forming it and all the memories relating to it. I just stand there, looking at the statues of the most miraculous people in my life and feel calmness spreading through and brightening every fiber of my body. Ringing the bell of the temple, I see the birds take flight into the air and for the first time in so many years I feel light.
I reach a house at the very end of the village, its roof covered with creepers, some cows grazing in the backyard, the house has a neglected feel to it, but is still inviting. I walk towards it, memories of 16 years of childhood blurring my gaze and I find myself,forever to come, feeling euphoric.

The only question that punctures this happy moment is this wonder : Am I dreaming or is this for real?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Life Happens. Make it Happening.

Whatever must happen will happen
And what happens is not and will never be in our hands.
You just have to live around  that fact 
and with that fact!
Is it so hard?
Or are we underestimating ourselves?

Monday, October 4, 2010

Numbness, grief, etc.

She doesn't remember how long she stood there.

Motionless, emotionless, empty; the slowly changing scenery outside her bedroom window was the only thing which made any movement at all.
The grief - which has just been bubbling below the surface, ever since she left - threatening to engulf her, the only escape she could see for miles and miles ahead was Numbness.
Her schedule hasn't changed one bit over the past month. Observing the golden ball, which was the setting sun, being swallowed by darkness again and again and ever again was satisfying somehow; it felt friendly too, like the vicious darkness and the obliging sun were the only things who understood her and reflected her emotions on a blue canvas night and night again.  The stars, that were always objects of wonder and amazement to her now pierced her like scalding knives whenever she saw them smiling down at her. The smile felt less friendly and more taunting the longer they saw her and made her feel even more lonely than she already was. But she would not avert her gaze from them. Coz she wanted to feel the pain. She wanted to let go of the shell of vacuousness that she had formed around her, that protected her from the grief(which always waited around the corner) from overpowering her. She wanted to feel. 
But numbness, strong, shielding numbness, always stood by her, holding her tight in its embrace, never letting a single piece of her fall prey to the agony that always tried to break the barrier between itself and her.
The moon shone bright and whole today, reminding her even more of the person whom she had last seen in this room itself, under the equally shining moon, thirty days ago. Whose memories she now held onto as if they were her life-line, her oxygen mask. Whom she would never forget again. 
A knock on the door woke her out of her reverie and her silent fight with the stars. Utterly surprised (as no one had ever come into her room since the last full moon), she turned back to staring at the stars. A lock clicked, the door swung open and she heard light footsteps making their way towards her. Something flickered on her face,some emotion, but only for a nano-second. She went back to maintaining her blank stupor as a small hand circled itself around her hand, "Can I sleep with you tonight?", said a tiny voice, which had turned hoarse, she knew, because of crying.
She nodded without looking at him.
"Thanks", said that tiny voice and shuffled a few steps towards the bed and stopped. "I miss her", he said, a little loudly.
She whipped her face towards the voice. A small boy of five, whose eyes had filled up with tears, was looking up at her with a certain plea in his face. He wanted to be hugged, to be loved, to be consoled, to be assured that everything will be alright. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't move towards him, or hold him in her lap or wipe his tears. She stood there, rooted to the ground, hating the sight of her brother as much as she hated her mother for leaving them alone, with nothing but memories, responsibilities, loneliness and a big black hole of despair in which she was falling, inch by inch, every night she stood there, staring out her window.
"Don't you miss her?", he asked. Something happened inside her, she couldn't put a word to it. But the numbness was still too powerful to let her experience whatever it was that happened.
She looked into her sibling's eyes and felt herself drifting through a haze of pictures in reverse. 

"Mum, Maggi!", her groaned rumbled with the groan of her empty stomach. "Muuuuum"
Where is she? She went into her mother's room to check if she was there. So excited she was about telling her about the movie she had just seen that she didn't bother knocking. Flinging open the door, she peered inside, only to be disappointed with her absence. She went into her neighbor's place to ask if they knew where she was. No idea, they said.
Finally, thinking that maybe she had gone down for some work, she thought she'd freshen up until she came. Making her way towards her room, an idea struck her - "how cool would it be if she made the dinner and mum would cum be all happy and surprised! And maybe, if the good mood persists, she could ask her about the Matheran trip too!" smiling at her brilliant idea, she opened her bedroom door and was shocked to see the scene which was greeting her. Her mother was sitting with her eyes closed on the arm chair near the window, with an album of old photos on her lap. Her face bathed in moonlight, she looked so peaceful, she could be sleeping. 
She walked slowly towards her mother, dreadful images forming in her mind. The moment she reached exactly besides the armchair, she knew there was something wrong. She caught hold of her mother's wrist and a moment later, let out a silent scream, which reverberated inside her, smashing each and every part of herself. No voice left her mouth, but if she could speak, she would have frightened the whole society with a scream so piercing and painful, even a stone would break in two and cry.
Instead, she just stood there, all vacant, frozen with her mother's wrist in her hand. 
After what felt like centuries, her brother came inside, he shook her mother like she was a can of Pringles that he was holding in his hand. Fear totally pronounced in his shriek, he ran out of the room and called for help. What happened next, she did not remember, nor care. all that was truly alive for her was her mother's cold hand in her palm. Nothing else mattered. And she left her soul, her happiness, and everything else that connected her to the world, aside when she was parted with her mother.

Coming out of the painful oblivion, she noticed that her brother was hugging her knees and tears were falling down from his warm eyes onto her cold, bare legs.
She placed her hand on his head and for the first time in all this month, she let go of the numbness that she was holding onto with all her might. Embracing the grief that was hurtling towards her furiously, she let the very first tear drop from her watery eyes. A stream of tears followed the first and before she knew it, she had fallen to her knees and was crying and wailing with the grief that threatened to break her with its strength. All the emotions, the feelings, the sadness that she had numbed down were waking up to life and making her feel more lively and grief stricken then she ever was. Her brother held her hand and squeezed it so as to say "its alright" and she returned the pressure trying to add as much warmth as she could.
And she knew then, that life doesn't stop when misfortunes happens. In fact, its in those times, where you have to be strong and live life, if not for yourself, then for others, who are depended on you, who love you.
And as she knelt there, hugging her brother, breaking the shield of numbness and finally accepting her feelings, she knew everything will be alright, even though it wasn't now. 
She's just got to hope. And trust. 

Friday, October 1, 2010

100 Truths !


1. Last beverage→ Sprite 
2. Last phone call→ Home [Early morning. I always forget my earphones and come back for them.]
3. Last text message→ Shailly [Making plans for ROBOT]
4. Last song you listened to→ A year without rain [a very recent discovery. Selena is looking awesome. Trust me!]
5. Last time you cried→Today. In college. [Just know that whenever I'm very confused or irritated and don't know what to do, my eyes start leaking. Fortunately, it wasn't in front of everyone.] 


6. Dated someone twice → Nope. [:(]
7. Been cheated on? → Nope [:)]  
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? → Never [My brother is a total sweetie.]
9. Lost someone special?→ Yep. Many times. [And I regret to say that most of the time, I was the one who was majorly responsible for the loss.]
10. Been depressed?→ Hell yeah. It's like my hobby. 
11. Been drunk? → Have had drinks. But NEVER been drunk.


12. Black
13. White
14. Purple
15. Yellow
16. Blue [In that very order.]


17. Made new friends → Yeaaaaahhh. *grins* 
18. Fallen out of love → Its been happening since the last year and I haven't had a crush since January 2009, does that count?
19. Laughed until you cried → Whenever I laugh genuinely or even give a big smile, my eyes start watering. And trust me, I'm laugh like a maniac. So, yes.
20. Met someone who changed you→ Yep. The bad thing is that that person has changed too.
21. Found out who your true friends were→ True friends is a bit of a stretch actually. Can we settle with good friends?
22. Found out someone was talking about you→ Nah. It's mostly me who talks about people. I'm such a bitch, no! 
23. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ Nooooooo.
24. When do you want to get married? → If possible, never! Don't look at me like that, I totally mean it.
25. How many kids do you want to have→ One. A boy. 
26. Do you have any pets → NO. I hate animals.
27. Do you want to change your name→ Desperately. "Jitika" is just so ew! And people always misspell it as "Jikita" which is even more ew!
28. What did you do for your last birthday→ Went out for dinner my best chums. yeah, i know. *yawn* 
29. What time did you wake up today → 6.15. JUST IMAGINE! 
30. What were you doing at midnight last night→ Reading "Nick & Nora's infinite playlist" on my cell phone.
31. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Anything. When i want something, I want it NOW. I'm the most impatient person ever. 
32. Last time you saw your Mother→ She's just never outta sight. 
33. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Life itself. Everything! There, that's one thing, right? 
34. What are you listening to right now → "Dream Awake" by Lauren Evans 
35. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → No. But I have talked to Tony. Tom, Tony...No big difference, really! :P 
36. What's getting on your nerves right now? → Studies. Exams in 10 days. And the portion is even vast and deeper than The Pacific Ocean. 
37. Whats your real name → Jitika. Hate it! 
38. Relationship Status → Happily/Woefully(depending upon mood) single!
39. Zodiac sign → Aquarius. And proud to be one.
40. Male or female→ Female. D-oh! 
41. Elementary→ St. Isabel's High School. 
42. Middle School → St. Isabel's High School. 
43. Hair color → Boring Black.
44. Long or short → Somewhwere in between them. 
45. Height → 5 and no, I'm not a dwarf. 
46. Do you have a crush on someone? → Used to. Like I meantioned above. I seem to have fallen outta love these days. *sigh* 
47. What do you like about yourself? → My nickname - Jitsy.  
48. Piercings → Ears.
49. Tattoos → None.
50. Righty or lefty → Righty. 


51. First surgery → None yet. Thank god! 
52. First piercing → Ears. When I couldn't even talk or walk. 
53. First tattoo → Never had one.
54. First best friend → Dilasha and Priya [middle school]. 
55. First sport you joined → Table Tennis.  
56. First pet → None. Hate animals, remember? 
57. First vacation→ Nepal. 4 years of age. [:D] 
58. First concert → None. [:( ]
59. First crush→ Vivek. 8th Class.  
60. First alcohol drink → Whisky. Tasted Yuck!


61. Eating → Ghaatiya. [:P] 
62. Drinking → Water. 
63. I'm about to → Doze off. This list is not getting over at all.
64. Listening to → Music [& Mom shouting at brother for not eating food.]
65. Waiting for → Tonight. Its my friend's birthday. Gonna have cake. [:D]  After such a long time. 


66. Want kids? → Yep.
67. Want to get married? → Nope. Ironical, huh?


69. First thing you notice → Hair. Just totally, absolutely, Dil se adore guys with curly hair. 
70. Hugs or kisses → Both. 
71. Shorter or taller→ Taller, for the love of god!
72. Older or Younger → Older. I wan't to be the young and spontaneous one sometimes. And a big brother is such a must-have!
73. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneous.  
74. Nice smile or nice eyes → Nice Smile.  
75. Tattoos or piercings→ Tattoos. But not too wild and all over the body. Piercings are creepy.
76. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive.
77. Hook-up or relationship → Never given a thought. 


79. Kissed a stranger → Nope. My life is very boring to be put down in a book, I've always thought. 
80. Drank hard liquor → Nah. Spat it all out after the first sip.  
81. Lost glasses/contacts → Loads of times. 
82. Sex on first date → Rule out sex for now. Atleast lemme go on a date. 
83. Broken someone's heart → Yep. Regretted it later. But it was just too late then. 
84. Had your own heart broken → HAHA .. Understatement of the Century !
85. Been arrested?→ Nope. Boring, remember?
86. Turned someone down → Yep. He was such as ASS. I'm better off single. 
87. Cried when someone died → Nope. That's one weird thing about me. I cry for any stupid reason and once started, it's really hard to stop. But somehow I just couldn't bring myself to shed tears for someone who died. Is that too bad? 
88. Liked a friend that is a Guy? → This is such a void question. Like is like. What does it matter if its a boy or a girl? 


89. Yourself → I do. Really. But not that much. I believe in you more than I believe in myself. 
90. Miracles → Happen. They do. Have faith and keep your eyes open. 
91. Love at first sight → Noway! Its not love, doofus! Its attraction, infatuation. 
92. Heaven → Exists. 
93. Santa Claus → Nope. I believe in the guy who always acted Santa in my old building though. He always gave me nice gifts. And Dairy milk. *silly grin*
94. Kissing on the first date? → Why not? If it works out well and you hit it off smoothly. But for kissing, I need a guy, a date. and for a date, I need to love. Depressing, it is. 


96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Yes. Someone who doesn't know me at all. A woman maybe. And we could also go to Kobe Sizzlers. Never had company to go there. 
97. Ever felt like you're lacking something/someone important in life? → Yep. Still do. And this has been my fault too. But I have injected just too much hatred in her to ever make it possible for her to love me again. I'm living with this truth though. Somehow.  
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? → Faithful, sure. Committed, no.
99. What's the one thing you cannot live without? → Peace of mind. And ironically, that's the only thing that I'm striving hard to achieve. 
100. Define life → Cliché