Friday, February 26, 2010

The Nightmare..

There she was. Glowing like the rising sun in her golden dress, a ring of light around her and a halo resting on top of her head and looking like a goddess surrounded with the trees on her left, a small pond to her right and a very beautiful waterfall behind her. Her hands spread out in front of her as if to embrace. Her serene profile sending a deep sense of peace and nostalgia through my body. 

I walked towards her slowly. She backed away, frightened. This confused me. I took one more step towards her. She backed away as a reflex. 

She looked frightened. As if I’m gonna cause her harm or something. 

Don’t get scared, I wanted to tell her but she was running away now, taking with her the peace she had given me, leaving the nostalgia – which was now choking me with its creepy hands, creating a ripple of distress thousand times stronger than usual considering the firmness of nostalgia’s chokehold grip – behind. 

She looked so familiar. As if I have always been waiting for her to come back. As if we have been separated in course of time and now, she has returned. What was it that made me want to approach her so desperately? Why did she look so familiar?
I walked towards the place she had been standing. The sound of gushing water was making me sick instead of calm. Just when I turned to frown at the pond and the waterfall forming the pond, I saw something. And what I saw made me retreat back a few paces due to fright.
Looking at me from the water was a demon. With bloodshot eyes surrounded by thick black kohl smeared wildly down her cheeks which made her look as if she’s been crying since forever. Her eyes were vacuous, devoid of all emotions but yet so deep and watery which made you feel that you’ll drown in the blankness and get lost forever. She looked as if she has lost herself and has, long ago, given up any hopes of ever finding herself again. Her hair were all dry and frizzy, just like the rest of her profile.
No wonder the unknown yet familiar angel wanted to run away. She didn’t want to contaminate herself from this evil-looking eyesore, who looked totally out of place surrounded by this heavenly beauty.
But yet this demon looked sad, hopeless. Seeking answers to unknown questions. In pursuit of some infinitesimal happiness.
Pity made me approach her. I reached out my hand towards her, which she immediately copied, ofcourse, too eager for any kind of help.
But what happened on meeting of our hands paralyzed me with immense fear. Because, what was supposed to be a hand reaching out eagerly towards me, was nothing but water reflecting my movement, ditto. It was me. I was the demon. The eyesore.
Everything became crystal clear now. The angel, the nostalgia, the pity. And what I realized wasn’t helping one bit.

I woke up with a start

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Please, let me be me...

I know I’m fat, ugly, lazy, useless, snobbish and every other word that would fill a 1000 pages’ book. I know how much this irritates you to the core and wouldn’t mind doing some hocus-pocus on me to transfer me into some “universally adored doll”. I know you’re internally (and not doing much progress in hiding this feeling externally as well) hating me for what I am. I know that my friend is always better than me in everything and that you wouldn’t think twice before swapping me with her.

I know everything you feel when you look at me and also the pain I’m causing you with every wrong thing I do. Every one of my back answer’s make you want to slap me and beat me until I’m improved. Everyone of my I’ll do it later!’s make you want to lock me in a dark cellar full of cockroaches and lizards. I know you feel embarrassed and humiliated to even introduce me or talk to in front of your acquaintances. I know and understand every fucking thing you keep accusing me of not understanding…
I know…

But do you know?
Do you know how much your why in the world did I ever think of having you and such a useless prat you are and I’m better off without you hurts me and makes me feel unwanted. Do you know how much I try to improve myself so that I can reach the standards you’ve set for me only to fail in the end and feel depressed not for myself, but for not living up to your expectations? Do you know how much I miss any kind of reassurance you could give me when I fail and want someone to hold me tight and kiss me and say that everything will be all right, just don’t lose your hope?
I know it doesn’t matter. All that matter to you is results!
The effort goes unnoticed. The love and feelings put into achieving the desired results go unnoticed.

So what should be done when the person who is supposed to have improved is not happy herself? What should you do when bitterness takes place instead of happiness for the victory of finally being accepted?
Shouldn’t it be prudent to forget all these social desires and accept me for what I am? To love me for just trying to show love towards you by trying to be what you want me to be? To be my support instead of being the reason of my bitterness?

Wouldn’t it be good for both of us if you just let me be me?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Valentine's Day

It’s just going bad to worse every fucking year.
VALENTINE’S DAY… one reason people give for all the below mentioned stupidity:

INTIMACY IN PUBLIC…. Dude, you wanna book a room in a hotel? Coz we’re so not interested in seeing the way you embrace each other. Your kissing expertise may be commendable but no one’s distributing prizes for “the best kiss” or “the best embrace” and stuff… so please!!!! us the embarrassment and find someplace private!!!

PROPOSALS…. Dunno why people think that proposing on Valentine’s day will help them land a partner. Especially boys, how can they think that proposing a gal on v’day would keep her from slapping you on your face… surely there’s no rule saying you can’t slap some wannabe on that day….and why people wait for v’day to propose someone, is a big mystery to me… suppose a guy falls in love on 15th feb; will he wait for a whole year until v’day to propose that gal???? Poor gal … supposing she likes that guy too? I wouldn’t blame her if she decides to have a life instead of waiting for the coward to pluck up the courage to go and approach her... a tip: valentine’s day is yet to come guys… but instead of waiting in a long queue to propose a gal, why don’t you propose her now and act the stud on that day by shooing the other losers away who are still hopeful? Mark my words, your gal’s gonna be very impressed!

GIFT MANIA…. Poor guys! This is one day which gets very hard on their pockets. Gals r bitches too… they’ll keep hinting the guy about the very expensive gifts he should buy her…gals, I hate to break your bubble but you’re living in a misconception or you’re merely stupid (your pick) if you think that guys’ve got some money-making machine installed at their homes… and guys, if you’re not serious about the gal, take my tip – break up with her before she burns your pocket to cinders.

PINK, RED, PURPLE…YUCK!!!..... what’s with these girly colors anyway?... even guys celebrate this day, right? So where’re the guy colors? Why so much injustice? All you see in shops is a jungle of pinks, reds and purples. Everywhere you go, every turn you take, there’s just no escaping the claustrophobia creeping into your system. Singles have to think twice before entering any gift shop for the fear of planting a wrong impression if someone sees you holding a gift bag. What injustice for us Aquarians! Our choices are only limited to choosing from big, furry teady bears with “sweetheart” engraved all over them or big heart-shaped b’day cards which embarrass you to death by singing love ballads as soon as you’ve opened them. I pity us. Especially all those singles who, unfortunately have their b’days on v’days.

GOOEY LOVE TALKS…. Um, guys…you do understand that v’day lasts for just one day, don’t you? And when you wake up next morning, you’re gonna realize that the hypnotic effect that the gifts and embraces had on you is over, that the spell has been lifted. Then why so many confessions and declarations? “I’ll love you forever, my love” and “our love is the only thing that keeps me going”. YUCK!!!... I feel pukey, already.

I’ve got just one thing to say to you loser..oh,sorry…um….lovers. Yeah lovers!
Thank god it’s Sunday this valentines’. Don’t think I could have tolerated any more of this love a.k.a. stupidity ツ

Friday, February 5, 2010

Losing Myself...

I want to know what has happened to me. Why I hate this world, the people, my friends, myself… I’m scared of losing myself to the hatred, the jealousy the enmity that’s taken root in me without my knowledge. It’s eating me up, my soul. This hatred….. I can’t find a suitable word for my feeling. I feel lost. I feel lonely.

There was a time when I was carefree, friendly, lovely. Anger was a rarity for me, an impossibility. I lived in a world where I felt beautiful, where my dreams were not just a figment of my imagination but my essence of living, my hope for a better, even lovelier world. Where I met my prince and we lived happily. The happiness emanating from me was so infectious that people couldn’t help but get attracted towards me. I believed in everyone, even those who committed mistakes. There’s hope, I felt. Not everything’s lost. Life can be lived again, rightfully this time.

Then why am I losing myself now? Why am I so mean and cruel and… and…and bad? Why? Why do I find the wrong in everything and everyone? Why does a suggestion or advice given by a friend feel like a taunt, a punishment for my failure? Why do I feel so insecure everytime? As if everyone’s just playing games with me, with my feelings.

I’m become cynical, embittered, suspicious. People, according to me, can only be described in three words – stupidity, meanness, crookedness! Trust, purity of heart, belief in dreams, friendship, love – why do they suddenly not exist? I’m become a monster. I’m become a MISANTHROPE.

The despair flooding through me now is creepy. I feel claustrophobic. I want to run away from myself. I feel like I’m possessed, possessed by the most horrifying, disturbing and self-destroying thoughts which were locked deep, deep down in my head. Which, until now, I didn’t even know existed. It feels as if the lock has been opened and the key is lost. It feels irreversible. Like this thoughts cannot be locked again.

I want to find myself again. The happy me. I want to love again, to hope again, to trust again, to dream again. I want to live again. I don’t ask for altruism. Not the secret to true happiness. I just want to get rid of this hatred, this cynicism. I just want to get rid of this misanthropy….