Monday, December 10, 2012

One moment please.

That relief you feel when you see their eyes stunned and their faces pained - even if for a second - that momentary relief! That is what makes us say hurting things, to be mean. That's what makes us want to scream and swear and make them cry. That relief that makes you feel that you don't have to bear it alone. It's eerily peaceful!

That one short moment makes it less devastating. That you're not the only one with problems. You're not the only one fucked up. You are not the only depressed soul. You can  see the ghost of the laughter that still hasn't left their mouth before your outburst and it gives you hope, maybe even a little perspective.

Suddenly, the world is a much bigger place and you're a barely-existent dot on that globe. You see the bigger picture. You see that there are much bigger problems. Problems that you would never, ever want to encounter. You see that the person standing in front of you - the person that you've just yelled at - it speechless because you seem to have hit a nerve.

And then you come undone. You learn it a second to late. You learn what you have done. You have to witness that look in their eyes which plainly says "I know" to whatever mean things you've just said to them. You see that failure, that damnedness in their eyes. But its more than what you had signed up for.

All you wanted was to pass the claustrophobic, stifling pain to someone else. All you wanted was a moment of relief. You did not want to see that look, your look, reflected in someone else's eyes. This makes the cycle clearer to you than ever before. And, in that moment you're left wondering who the next victim is going to be.

It's unbearable. You want out. You turn around, with a smile on your face. A smile which is based on confusion and tiredness and disbelief. But, they don't know what internal battle you're going through. Not yet. And so, forever in their mind, you'll be the bitch that said mean things to them and then smiled. All in that short never-ending moment!