Friday, May 28, 2010

*Comic relief*

I had lost a best friend. It seemed like I had lost my right arm or something. My life was at a standstill. I had gone numb. My heart had gone totally cold and it felt as if it will never warm up to anyone again. I kept staring at his contact no. on my cell’s address book and kept reading his forwarded messages from months ago for hours, hoping that maybe the ferocity of my gaze would make him think of me, maybe for a nanosecond or something. Maybe make him remember that I was his friend, once upon a time. All I did was weep and let myself get lost in all our memories together. I never thought I could laugh again. No. It seemed too childish after feeling intensity of the pain that was going through me. Laughter seemed like a distant dream. All I was capable of doing was wallow in despair over his loss.


In short, I was totally acting like a drama queen.

Isn’t it bugging when all you want to do is lose yourself to the misery and depression and dive into the oblivion of his memories is exactly the time when all the funny things have to happen around you. Doesn’t it screw your mind when you’re trying to act as if you’ve just suffered from a mental blow and need some happiness-building time-out is the time when your family leaves no stone unturned to make you go nuts over their behavior and make you join in, not coz you want to forget your sadness but to kick their asses and shut them up in their rooms so that you could go back to my *depressed* stupor happily?

No, they’re not trying to make me forget about all this and I am 100% sure about this coz –

a) They don’t exactly know anything; I don’t share my personal lives with my parents

b) Even if they knew, they CANNOT try to help me out of it. I have inherited my parents genes of getting all scared and nervous when someone around you has a mental breakdown. We cannot console anyone to save our lives and we try as much as we can to stay as far away as possible from such emotional people.

c) My family is a cartoon show. So all this funny incidents - it’s routine!

One such incident would be when I was taking a nap in my room and my granny comes in with a bowl full of some revolting looking muddy thingy. I thought it must be one of the things she eats. God knows how she even makes foods which look like they’ve just come out of ashtrays and cow dung! And worst part? She eats it happily. So I went back to sleeping and dozed off in a second. Next thing I know, I’m staring at my bathroom mirror yelling my head off at my reflection and my bro and sis are laughing their asses off at my oh-so-funny face. I stormed into my granny’s room and bellowed “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” pointing at my face. And she just went, “you’re supposed to wash your face honey”. As if I wouldn’t have guessed that much already!

“BUT WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD HAVE YOU PUT THIS…THIS…WHATSITS? THIS…COWDUNG ON MY FACE?” I yelled?

“To make your skin glow, of course” she said innocently like it’s totally natural to stamp a cow’s excreta on your face! “and this is not cow dung, silly, it’s a mixture of very effective herbs. I have mixed neem – ”

“I DON’T FREAKING CARE WHATEVER IT IS. JUST GET IT OFF MY FACE. HOW DO I DO THAT?”

“Wash you face with soap honey” she said patiently as if trying to explain to a retard that 2 + 2 = 4.

“But it’s all dry and it’s not coming out” I said trying to prise it off with my hands. “Wash it with soap and you’ll look just beautiful. All those pimples you have, they’ll go away in a trice.”

“UGHHH.” I went away from her room, giving up.

Only next minute, I shouted yet again at the condition of my face. Big red blotches and huge button sized zits had appeared on my face and I looked like I had eczema or maybe small pox! This time my granny had already left the house and gone to her friends place before I could shower her with my fury.

I couldn’t leave my house for another 2 days after that incident during which time my mom tried everything she could to reduce my pimples.

 Another such incident was just this morning –

Our housemaid is getting married and hence, she’s on a leave since a week and so I am the one who has to do the entire household work which includes – getting up at 7 in the morning, make breakfast, dusting, making food, washing dishes, sweeping, moping, making dinner, again dishes and getting tired and falling asleep instantly.

So, I had just completed dusting and I was resting a bit (no lunch or dinner. Wedding time. Thank god for that) and my sister comes up to me all nicely and asks me if I wanted some help. Yeah, she realizes it after a whole week. Especially when there’s no work to do in the first place! How neat! And I said there’s nothing to do but she could get me a glass of water and straighten my hair for the wedding after I’ve had a bath and she readily agreed. Something was fishy!

“What do you want?” I asked her. “Nothing” she replied back instantly.

“Yeah, right!”

“Fine, I need a loan. I’ll return it to soon.” She said hurriedly.

“How much?” I asked still in suspicion. She never does my work if she needs a loan. She usually just takes it from my wallet and leaves a note in it about when she’ll return. “Not much. Just 200”

“No” I said. She didn’t even argue. She just said “fine” snappily and went out of the room… and came back again.

“WHAT?” I asked, peeved.

“Ok. Listen. I’ve got to tell you something. But you gotta trust me I didn’t mean to..I mean…”

“Just spit it out, will you?” I said exasperated but excited at hearing what she had to say. Maybe it was something related to her love life or something. She never tells me anything.

“Fine!” she took a deep breath and then went, “I-didn’t-mean-to-but-when-I-was-using-your-earphones-last-night-and-there-was-this-knot-which-wouldn’t-come-loose-so-I-pulled-it-a-bit-too-hard-and-it-broke!” in one breath. And then she removed my earphones from her pocket and I let out a wail. One of the wires had broken away totally leaving only one part of the earphone and coppery wires were peeping out of the other broken part of it. I was horrorstruck.

“YOU KILLED IT” I shouted. “HOW DARE YOU?”

“I didn’t mean to do it. It was just an accident. It just happened –”. But she couldn’t complete the rest of her sentence coz I had advanced on her with a ruler in my hand and she was running now. I caught her by the hem of her sleeves and hit her hard with the ruler. She pulled the ruler out of my hand and snapped it in two. I looked at her murderously and all hell broke loose. I pulled her hair very hard and gave her a punch in her stomach. She grabbed my hand and twisted it until the pain became unbearable. I bit her in the other hand with became red and started swelling. Seeing that, she lost it completely and ran towards me with a stick and hit me on my arm which totally left a mark. We fought for at least 15minutes until mom came into our room and witnessing the scene [which didn’t help much owing to the fact that the pillows were strewn across the floor, one of her sleeve had torn in half, my arm was bleeding, one of her tooth was lying on my mother’s feet(she didn’t notice that, I guess) both our hair were a complete mess giving us a look of two people who had just been giving electric current, her hair was still in my hand and she had frozen in the act of kicking me] she grounded us for a week!

Pretty entertaining, eh?

My arm’s still hurting as I write this, sneakily (grounded includes no using computer) but she has gone away for the wedding for a whole day and wouldn’t realize anything. Though, she’s smart enough to hide the T.V. cable in her closet) but I just realized something while I was punching my sister on the face in the morning, and I had to share it with you guys. Especially Anand…this is your *comic relief*…enjoy!

I realized that, depression is way overrated and why waste your time in pain and drama when you can enjoy the better things in life? Even if it means having a fight with your sister or getting a face massage from your granny. Why not live and enjoy? Why act like a zombie? Why die?

Monday, May 24, 2010

:: Unfinished Story ::

                                                                                                
:: unspoken words :: unregistered thoughts :: uncertain promises :: unaltered love :: unexpected visit from an unforgettable friend :: unvisited dreams :: unreasonable sorrow :: unintentional fights :: unheard apologies :: unhelpful musings of an unoccupied mind :: unidentified music :: uncontained smile :: unruffled pages of an unopened book :: ungoverned joy :: unlucky time :: unresolved conflicts :: unpleasant memories punctuated with uncovered tears :: unnoticed gloom :: unconnected snippets :: unadventurous being :: unblemished separations :: unheard goodbyes:: unachievable goals :: unanswered questions :: unquestioned answers :: unceasing wait for an undeserved friend :: unaccompanied loner :: unobserved distance :: unbearable sweetness :: unplugged happiness :: unjust loyalty :: unconscious decisions :: undeniable results :: unclogged visions of an unwell past :: unstoppable pain :: unshared happiness :: undrinkable wisdom :: unruly outbursts of uncivilized emotions :: unhidden feelings :: unwanted life :: un-understandable desire :: unforgettable time :: unbearable silence :: unfinished stories :: unconcerned me ::

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Blue

I wasn’t ready to meet him. Not yet. Not now when I knew this was gonna be IT. The very last moment. I looked up at the blue sky. Smooth, plain, peaceful. The sun only adds to its immensely beautiful force. How neat! I was jealous. Why couldn’t I be like that heavenly, blue sky? Why can’t I have some peace? Why do I always have to be trapped in turmoil and depression?
Where the hell is he? This is the CCD he said he’ll come to, right? WTF! It’s been 45 minutes now. But I was internally feeling a little relieved that it has not happened yet. As far as I’m concerned, this moment could pause here forever and take me as far away from *separation* that I have been trying not to think about since last month. I ordered cool blue. I had to have something cool and soothing owing to the fact that my head was already bubbling with unpleasant, confused anticipation since the time I had entered. My head had heated up so much because of so much tension and sadness that I had to cool it off before he came. We didn’t need any more fights. And anyways, blue was cool and calm and peaceful. Blue was familiar and friendly. I was wearing blue. My favorite t-shirt. His too. Ha! What was I thinking? That wearing his favorite clothes would put off this moment and delay it a bit? Who am I kidding? I knew this moment had to come. Why not sooner than later? Why not just get it done with now?

Sona Mohapatra’s song was playing in the background….

….Yu tutne ki, sab chutne ki…vajah hi nahi thi bachi…
Hum dono ki kaisi thi chupki…jagah hi nahi thi bachi…
Phir main chup kyu hui, phir tu chup kyu hua
Bolo bolo na
Choti si baat ne roka hai raasta, hai hai hai baat kya
Bolo bolo na…..

Yeah! Exactly what I needed now - salt being rubbed on my already deep wounds! And from when did CCD start playing Hindi songs anyways? What happened to their classic Enrique and Westlife stuff?

An hour already. I was sitting just near the entrance. So that if I ever came close to crying (of which I was 200% sure I would) I would run away as fast as I could before he noticed anything. I started rummaging in my purse just for something to do and … WHY??????????

I saw the brooch. The sapphire brooch he had given me on my 22nd birthday. He wanted to give rubies. He loved anything red. I hated red. I found red very wild and disturbing. I insisted on blue. Blue was serene. Peaceful. I’ll have to return it now. I can’t keep it with me. I’ve shed enough tears to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

I closed my purse and instead went to staring out of the glass pane. Bad idea! All I could see was the sea. The blue sea! It seemed like it was high tide day. Sea waves were gushing with so much force and marching ahead to the shore in such perfect intervals, it was hypnotic. It was after a long time when I realized why I loathed the sea so much. The waves were so strong and big that they were slamming into the rocks and crushing them. Not literally. But if you stand near the shore you’ll see the eroded rocks forming a plain smooth surface making it easier for the water to pass. Imagine how strong water has to be to crush stones. And not just any stones, like, big, gigantic rocks they were. How nice it must be to be so powerful that you have the power to make things bend for your will. How powerful it must make you feel. Wish I had the strength and power of those sea waves.

Sky, cool blue, sapphire brooch, sea waves… God! How more paranoid can I get? God wasn’t done yet. Of course!

He came, finally. And he too had to wear a blue linen shirt. And that, when he knows how partial I am with that color on his skin. Why did he have to look like *Zeus* and*Adonis* when I’m supposed to get over him?

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

We both went together.

I looked me in the eyes for what felt like a decade and he wouldn’t take them of my eyes even when I cleared my throat. Twice. Great! Absolutely awesome! I can so easily forget him now. So freaking easy!

Ok. That’s it. “Here’s your stuff” I said abruptly “here’s the brooch that you…well…when you…um, it’s yours…” I finished lamely. And finally, (thank god for that) he took his eyes off my face and turned his attention towards the brooch. In apparent confusion.

“Why are you giving this to me?” he said “It’s yours.”

“It was” I corrected him.

“No. It’s always gonna be yours. You love blue!” he said, smiling for the first time in a month. Shattered, I was!

“Nu-uh! Give it to her.” I always referred to his fiancée as *her* or *she*.

“I can’t. This belongs to you. And anyways, she…she is not much fond of sapphires.” His expression turned sad in a second.

“Lemme guess.” I tried to lift his mood. Even though it was breaking my heart into million tiny pieces, it still hurt me to see him sad. “She likes emeralds?” I said, trying to look all perked up about trying to figure my ex boyfriends fiancée’s stone preferences. He saw through that.

“I’m sorry. A million times over.” He apologized, begging with his eyes for me to understand that he didn’t want to hurt me at all. Of course I was hurt. How could I not be when my boyfriend breaks up with me because this girl he’s marrying is crazily in love with him and because her dad happens to be his dad’s very close friend and rejecting her would turn the elders’ relation sour? So, I didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I got caught up in…”

“It’s okay. When have you ever been on time, anyways?” I asked mockingly.

He turned his head towards the sea I was watching before he came, lost in thought. I could see his mind working furiously to keep this meeting friendly and informal but he couldn’t do it. In fact, for the first time in my life, I was being calm and jolly. Trying to, at least.

“How much time do you have?” I asked him, sensing that he was busy; the way he kept looking at his mobile phone every few minutes was any indication.

“I dunno. Maybe an hour. Depends. She’s got some work. She’ll call.”

“Hmm” was all I could manage.

“When is it?” he understood what I meant. He measured my expression and then said “3 months”.

“Hmm” I said yet again. “Am I invited?” I asked. I couldn’t decipher his expression for a moment but I settled with puzzlement.

“If you want to” he said carefully.

“Chill. I don’t think I can. I’m not insane.” I said, still keeping my tone as friendly and casual as possible.

He saw through that too. Damn it! This is the disadvantage of having a boyfriend who knows you for 4 years. He knows you inside out.

Be cool…be cool…you don’t wanna ruin this…he’s already suffering…be good…don’t cry…BE COOL…

I knew it. Anytime now. Just a matter of seconds. My eyes were already starting to fill and the things in my focus were already blurring due to tears.

“I gotta go.” I actually bellowed. “I, uh…I just forgot I had some important, uh, work.

“But…”

I removed a 100rs note from my wallet and kept it beneath my cool blue. Pulled my purse upon my shoulders and left after a swift “bye”.

I could see his perplexed and sad gaze burning on my back but he didn’t stop me. Thank god for that. He owed me that much.

I hired a cab as soon as I got out, got home. Went into my room and locked myself in it. Only when I had buried myself in my bathroom did I allow myself to cry fully. I barely slept that night. I actually cringed away from the mirror when I saw myself in it in the morning.

Mum didn’t bother calling up on me to ask what the matter was. I have been doing this since a month now and she doesn’t like interfering in these matters. She thinks that these issues are better solved alone. Of course she didn’t know about HIM. But she must’ve guessed about enough. She’s a smart woman. And she’s my mum.

But while I was sniveling over him, I realized I had to move on someday. And waiting for him to get married until moving on was a bad idea. I was blue…and I liked blue…god knows what that meant but this phrase kept popping up in my head all the time.
                                                        

I was blue….it’s true. I’ve been blue ever since last month. But I like blue? Yeah, I like blue- coz it soothes me. Blue is calmness, blue is trust, blue is depth, blue is peace, blue is faith, blue is heaven, blue is me.

And I knew what I had to do then. I picked up my mobile phone and texted him my very last text –

All the best , 
♥ 
me!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Mad(ly) in love

“It’s so beautiful isn’t it? This place? So calm and serene? So peaceful?” she asked Nikhil “and I just can’t believe it’s gonna be ours. Oh! I’m so happy I could dance. And I’ll warn you beforehand, I’m doing the interiors. After all, it’s our place! I want it to look just heavenly!”


“As if I have any other option, eh?” he replied with a cunning smile on his face “and anyways, who cares about a stupid house when you have such a beautiful fiancée to look at?”

Tamanna blushed deeply. “I never thought this would happen. It seemed just so impossible, didn’t it? And look now. Me and you, here together, hand in hand, looking at our future!”

“Ah! Perfect moment, isn’t it?” he agreed and then with mock disappointment, “if only…”

She got the hint. She placed both his hands on her waist, stood on her toes and then….they kissed.

Tears of happiness started rolling down on her cheeks with great rapidity as she stood there near the window reliving the best time of her life. It was blissful. They were the happiest people in the world. They had to be. Everything that they went through to reach where they were now….

She was a Kashmiri. He was a Guajarati. Yeah, it does seem like a clichéd romance, doesn’t it? Different castes. Fight for love. Finally, the kiss of victory. And then the *happily ever after*. They had got what they wanted, though. That’s what mattered now. They were getting married. Just one more week until the blissful union…she thought just as the doorbell rang and she went to answer it.

“Oh thank god you’re here. I was getting really nervous you know. I’d called about a thousand times at your boutique but you must be busy what with this being the wedding season” she said as she rushed her dress designer into her room, with her(Tamanna’s) mother in tow. “And mom, have you finalized the menu? It’s high time you did that.” Tamanna continued and after seeing a jeweler’s bag in her mom’s hand, she added “Ah! Good you went to the jewelers. Everything fine? Did you check them properly? Mom? Mom?”

“Honey, I don’t think you know –” her mom looked troubled but Tamanna didn’t notice. She was in full flow about her after-wedding plans and was nodding and giggling and blushing about everything the designer said.

“Yes, we’ll be going to Maldives for our honeymoon” she exclaimed. “Just after the wedding day.” Pause. “Yeah, I know…this being the holiday season and all. But you see he’s got great contacts”

“Yeah” she replied proudly to the designer’s comment.

Then she turned around and saw that her mom was standing in the same spot since the time she came, apparently, terrified. She was also crying.

“Mom, are you alright?” she asked and without waiting for an answer she continued, “Have you seen my wedding dress? It was in this closet. Have you taken it? Mom? Goodness, woman? Have you got a fit or something? Or have just got paralysis?” she asked in exasperation as her mom still refused to answer but stood in her terrified stupor.

“I’ve kept it here somewhere” Tamanna started mumbling as she dug through her closet. I had tried it on just yesterday. I was loose from the waist. I don’t know where it’s gone. I…” she kept the sentence trailing and continued searching feverishly in her closet.

“Mom, please don’t fool around. Tina is not free the whole day you know. She’s gotta go to her own boutique. If you’ve got my dress just give it to me. Are you listening to me?” she now started sounding hysterical.

Her phone rang and she answered her fiancé’s call “Hi, sweetie…yeah I’m good…nothing, just going through my dress fittings but funnily, I’m not getting my dress. Mom here is not ready to tell me where it is” she said looking at her mother, who if nothing else, looked even more terrified and she was now wailing “MOM! Mom what’s the matter? Why are you crying, mom? Are you fine? MOM? WHAT HAPPENED?” Tamanna was really afraid now. Why was her mom looking so pale? “Nik, mom’s looking all pale and clammy…and she’s wailing” she shrieked into her phone. Sweat broke down her face and she started sobbing too. “Please come here fast, Nik.” She said and hung up.

And then, she started shouting for Tina, the designer to come and help her but she won’t budge. She just sat there watching at Tamanna and her mother as if they were a part of some mildly interesting T.V. show. Tamanna was now shouting at the top of her voice for some kind of help. She was really scared for her mother.

And then, to her relief and bewilderment, the door opened and three women (dressed as nurses) came in and marched towards the duo on the floor. Tamanna felt thankful for those nurses’ timely arrival but also a bit perplexed. She didn’t remember calling the hospital!

And then what happened shocked her into silence. The nurses, instead of treating her mom, advanced towards her and grabbed her by her shoulders. Her mom lay there, muttering incoherent and inarticulate words like “Manu…..him….dead…can’t happen….my Manu…mad….Manu…mad….MAD!”

The last word hit Tamanna like a bolt of lightning. NO! She wasn’t mad! She was getting married. To Nikhil. The love of her life. And they were going to go to Maldives for honeymoon. And the wedding’s in a week and the designer is here for her dress fittings. She turned her head towards the designer but she was gone! But…but, how can that be? She was right here, the designer. And she was talking to her and then she got a call from Nikhil, she turned towards where she had left her mobile phone and with a pang of horror saw that it wasn’t her mobile but a spectacle-case. She froze. She couldn’t be mad. Not now. Not when she had to attend her own marriage in a week’s time. No! but then, another memory flashed by her mind where…where…where, Nikhil was sleeping peacefully on a white bed with two little balls of cotton inserted in his nose and he was covered with a thin, white blanket. Everyone around him were looking at him and crying….

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……………

No! It can’t be. Nikhil was alive. As much alive as Tamanna was. And he was on his way here, to her house. She looked around and with another jolt of shock realized that this wasn’t her house but a very sad and mournful looking ward with pictures of doctors and information about certain psychotic diseases. SHE WAS IN A HOSPITAL!

No!” she shrieked at the nurses who were taking her towards the bed at the other end of the room. “No, listen! You’ve got it all wrong. Look at her. Look at my mother. She’s the one who needs treatment, not me! I’m fine. I tell you, she’s in a very serious condition. LISTEN TO ME, YOU!” she shouted. “Don’t you dare touch me like that! I’ll sue you… How dare you push me? Nikhil’s on his way. And if he sees me in this condition he won’t spare you, any of you… just you wait… Are you listening to me, you freak?... “I say, leave me!...I wanna go to Nik…take me to him…NIK…NIK, take me away from here please. NIK!”

One of the nurses injected a syringe into Tamanna’s arm and she went back to sleep as if nothing had happened, the ghost of Nikhil’s name still tracing her lips. She drew her bedsheet right upto her neck and went into the oblivion where they, Tamanna and Nikhil, were now exchanging wedding vows...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

When's the right time?

When do you know that this is it? The end? When exactly do you realize that holding on to someone is not working out but smothering your relationship so bad, it could just die? When do you know that you can’t take it anymore? That you’ve done everything in your power to make your relationship work but it’s just making you all the more distant from him with every passing second and now you’ve reached the limit…you give up? When is the right time to say your final goodbye? When do you know that its time…time to LET GO?

                                                      
We were friends. We shared everything with each other. Every bit of gossip, every silly rumor, even the most useless, almost negligible, stupidest and silliest piece of information. We could talk about anything. I remember we had once debated about the consequences and effects of feeding Chinese to cows. We criticized each other on a daily basis. We shared a hell lotta insane, impossible ideas and stupidly enough, also spent time brooding over how to put them into action. We hooked each other up with people and then went around ruining each other’s dates. We watched every movie together. Neither would go without the other. We irritated each other. We got on each other’s nerves. We envied each other. We hated each other. We loved each other. We were more than friends, even more than best friends. I don’t know what exactly it was but it hovered somewhere between best friends and lovers. But we were content with each other. At least as content as two totally moronic, forever-fighting, whiny, irritating teenagers could be. We completed each other. He completed me. He’s the only one I’ve ever been able to talk to freely without having to think twice or fear of blurting out something stupid and absurd. He’s the one who had discovered my talent and persuaded me to start writing in the first place. I didn’t have to explain anything about myself to him. He knew me inside out.

But times change. Even worse? Time changes people along with it. It sweeps people over and crushes them down with its big waves and turns them upside down and the next thing we know, the person has changed so much you start doubting whether you even knew him in the first place. I always knew it was a matter of time until this’ll end, coz fate had a knack of taking away from me the very things that formed the essence of my survival. I had embraced the idea of goodbye at some point. But it came as a tragic blow nevertheless.

Our 12th board results - start of a new life. End of my previous life. End of constant bitching about my much despised college. End of immaturity. End of fun. End of friendships formed in this time. End of all the fun times of life. End of me and him. End of us. That was the last day we had enjoyed TOGETHER, just like old times. I should have known it then.

But from when have I been the most intelligent person? I held on to him…clung to him tightly like a drowning person clings to a rope. In fact I clung to him so tightly that he started feeling suffocated. I could see it then, see him struggle to get away from me, to get free. He started meeting me lesser and lesser until the gap stretched on to nothing less than three months. Long talks five times a day changed to hi-bi conversations once a week and then to just messaging until all of it finally ceased. He was more distant from me than…well, than Aishwariya Rai is from Salman Khan.

So you must have imagined how much pain it caused me when he called me last night after exactly 8 months just to check on how I was doing. Just when I should be feeling happy about the call I lost control and started sobbing. He had changed. Everything from the way he talked and what he talked about had changed completely. I didn’t even know who the person on the other end of the line was anymore. It was just then as he was telling me that he hadstarted studying for CA and is also done with CPT exams and that he had finally landed himself a decent girlfriend with whom he’s very happy, that I realized that he had moved on and wherever he had moved to, he was very happy and he obviously didn’t need me anymore. I also realized that I didn’t want to talk to this stranger anymore. All the pain that had kept building inside me was stuck in my throat and was choking me now. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could. And then final realization (or enlightenment would be a wiser term) hit me like a bolt of lightning – it was time. Time to let go

Monday, May 10, 2010

If only I could TALK!

She- I’m trying to talk to you here. Do you mind not showing attitude and looking at me for once.

Me - Fine. What?

She- I agree it was my fault but what you said was very offending too. It’s not totally my fault you know.

Me - Yeah, whatever. You proved your point. It’s my fault. It’s always my fault. I get it. I’m sorry. Happy?

She- Shut up, you. You’re taking it the wrong way. I –

Me- Oh! I’m taking it the wrong way, now! Yeah! That’s what you always wanna say innit? YOU WANNA ACT THE FORGIVER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A VERY CONTEMPTUOUS, EGOISTIC BITCH. YOU NEVER –

She- SHUT UP. THAT’S ENOUGH. I’m trying to solve this problem, trying to make you see sense and you- you- you’re totally blowing it out of proportion!

Me- Yeah, ok. I’m sorry. Listen, I’m not in the mood to fight. It’s 2 in the night and I’m very sleepy. So do you mind?

She- Of course I mind. We gotta talk about this. Now.

She wasn’t gonna drop it.

ME- I’M NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD! Please just go. You’re just making me angrier.

She- NO. We gotta talk and get it over with. Why do you always act all lonely. Why do have act like some – some – some “damsel in distress

Me- What?

She- You know what I mean. Acting all lonely and stuff. And your expression is always sad and you behave as if you got no friends and you’re in depression and stuff. It really pisses me off!

Me- ……………..

She- Ok. We got problems. Everyone has. That doesn’t mean you have to sit and brood over it and not share and let it keep building. You don’t have to act like “Mother India” alright. It won’t hurt sharing it with me sometimes.

Me-………………..

She- See. THIS IS WHAT YOU DO! YOU DO THE DAMAGE AND RUN AWAY FROM THE CONSEQUENCES. YOU CAN’T FACE IT. YOU’RE SUCH A COWARD.

Me- Mind your mouth. Don’t you call me a coward…as if you know everything…you don’t…you know nothing…I…u…I – I’m not a coward u get that! I’M NOT A COWARD!

She- So tell me! What’s got you so angry that you wouldn’t even talk to me and look at me? There must be something.

Me- ………….

She- Ok listen. I know you DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK IN SUCH SITUATIONS AND YOU GET ALL EMBARRASSED EXPRESSING FEELINGS AND STUFF BUT –

Me- Hahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

She- Huh? ….what was that?....hehe…hahaha…hahahahhahahahahhahahahhahaaaaaaaaaa

There's nothing Rajnikanth can't


this is not my creation...i was just too bored to pen down my own thoughts and i actually ROFLMAOed when i read this...... its worth reading just for the fun of it...Rajnikanth fans-no offense!

so here goes!! - - -

Rajanikanth makes onions cry

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

Outer space exists because its afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikanth.

Rajnikanth has counted infinity--twice.

Rajnikanth doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikanth kicked one of the corners off.

Rajnikanth once are an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is Rajnikanth, there is no other way!

Rajnikanth can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Rajnikanth can slam a revolving door.

When Rajnikanth falls in water, Rajnikanth doesn't get wet. Water gets Rajnikanth.

Rajnikanth can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Rajnikanth has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Rajnikanth is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Rajnikanth ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Rajnikanth frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Rajnikanth's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Answer: Rajnikanth

If you want a list of Rajnikanth's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Rajnikanth does both legs at once.

Rajnikanth does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

There are two kinds of people in this world:
1) those who are dead
2) those who have yet to meet Rajnikanth

Music listens to Rajnikanth.

Rajnikanth is your real dad.

LOL

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Incomplete goodbyes

She stood there with her hands on her hips. Her head all creased up just the way they always did whenever she was very confused or when she had a severe headache. She had three white shirts in front of her and was talking on her cell phone with a frown on her face.
I couldn't help giving an audible chuckle. She heard it and turned to see who it was. I tried to hide myself by bending down on the pretence of tying my shoelace but she had already seen me and had frozen in mid-conversation.

I was stumped. It was her eyes that had started it all. Her eyes had some secret mystical force about them which always rendered me speechless. The very first time she had unleashed the full power of her eyes on me,I had blurted out my love for her without thinking twice. She had just smirked at me and walked away with her giggly girlfriends in tow. But she finally saw something in me which attracted her and we started carrying on after just 1 month of my embarrassing introduction.

It's been 6 years since that very day and she hasn't changed on bit. She had the same black eyes with long curly eyelashes which, even now, made me skip a beat, with every blink. Her face was just the same as it always was, devoid of makeup, full of natural beauty. Her hair had grown in our few years apart but otherwise, it felt as if i had gone back to the time when i had first laid eyes on her serene, mysterious beauty.

Tears had welled up in her eyes and they were now falling in full flow over the shirts she was holding in her hands. I knew that she was thinking about the same thing as me. Our break up.

I remember it as if it had happened yesterday.

"It's been good...knowing you, but...well, i think this is where we...stop." She was struggling for words to say. I could see her struggle to stay calm and not break down. I could also see that nothing that I'd say could make her stay. She had decided. she was resolute.

Comprehension dawned on me. It was the last time i would see her. It was the last time i would ever get to hold her. All our memories together had started flashing in my head like some fast-forwarded DVD - the first time we held hands, the many hours of aimless chatting on the phone, the fights we had over stupid matters, the way i brought her chocolates and flowers whenever she was angry on me, our first kiss, the way she held my hand tightly into hers whenever i was upset, the warmth that spread through me whenever she did that, the way she looked so cute whenever she was crying, the way she never forget to text me good morning and good night every day without fail, the way her eyes narrowed down in anger whenever she saw me flirting with other girls. the way she always said goodbye but came back after taking two steps and hugged me again before leaving.

She was going to take everything away with her. She was leaving me in pieces. Irreparable, irreplaceable, pieces.But i wasn't going to break down. not now.

"Whatever. You think you could do without all this drama? Its grossing me out." I said with all the bitterness i could muster. I don't why i acted like that but i know this much that i didn't want her to know see me all shattered. I didn't want her to see how much she was hurting me with every word she said. I didn't want to give her a reason to feel guilty for our break-up. She wanted it to be mutual but i know she would never forgive herself for that. I couldn't let her live the rest of her life in guilt and pity. She deserved freedom. She deserved to be happy.

                                                                                                
"I'm so sorry" she said hysterically. Her self-restraint was just on the verge of breaking. I could see tears forming in her eyes. "please"

I stood there silently without looking at her eyes, waiting for her final goodbye. But she grabbed my hand and said "say something, for heaven's sake." Another stab on my heart. Another unforgettable, painful memory in my conscience.

"You've said it all" i said with a casual shrug. "You're right. We're done. Well...good luck,then. See you around" I couldn't take it anymore. I had to end it. made to leave but -

"I love you" she had finally started crying "forever".

Why, oh why did she have to play with my feelings like that? Wasn't it enough to break up and go away forever? Why did she have to add more heart-breaking memories to it?

I didn't turn back. I don't think i had the strength to look at her again. I left without another word, leaving her standing alone with tears in her eyes.

And now, here she is, making me relive my worst memory ever. Reliving it herself.

"Hi" she said lamely, trying to make small talk.

I made to reach towards her but just then a we heard someone call out her name. She wiped her tears hastily, looked over her shoulders and gave a week smile. A guy came over to her, hugged her and apologised for his lateness. She returned his smile and looked at me with apology.

I saw it then, the "wedding ring" on her finger.

I left without another word.

I had hurt her. Life had to teach me a lesson. And here it was...