Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Incomplete goodbyes

She stood there with her hands on her hips. Her head all creased up just the way they always did whenever she was very confused or when she had a severe headache. She had three white shirts in front of her and was talking on her cell phone with a frown on her face.
I couldn't help giving an audible chuckle. She heard it and turned to see who it was. I tried to hide myself by bending down on the pretence of tying my shoelace but she had already seen me and had frozen in mid-conversation.

I was stumped. It was her eyes that had started it all. Her eyes had some secret mystical force about them which always rendered me speechless. The very first time she had unleashed the full power of her eyes on me,I had blurted out my love for her without thinking twice. She had just smirked at me and walked away with her giggly girlfriends in tow. But she finally saw something in me which attracted her and we started carrying on after just 1 month of my embarrassing introduction.

It's been 6 years since that very day and she hasn't changed on bit. She had the same black eyes with long curly eyelashes which, even now, made me skip a beat, with every blink. Her face was just the same as it always was, devoid of makeup, full of natural beauty. Her hair had grown in our few years apart but otherwise, it felt as if i had gone back to the time when i had first laid eyes on her serene, mysterious beauty.

Tears had welled up in her eyes and they were now falling in full flow over the shirts she was holding in her hands. I knew that she was thinking about the same thing as me. Our break up.

I remember it as if it had happened yesterday.

"It's been good...knowing you, but...well, i think this is where we...stop." She was struggling for words to say. I could see her struggle to stay calm and not break down. I could also see that nothing that I'd say could make her stay. She had decided. she was resolute.

Comprehension dawned on me. It was the last time i would see her. It was the last time i would ever get to hold her. All our memories together had started flashing in my head like some fast-forwarded DVD - the first time we held hands, the many hours of aimless chatting on the phone, the fights we had over stupid matters, the way i brought her chocolates and flowers whenever she was angry on me, our first kiss, the way she held my hand tightly into hers whenever i was upset, the warmth that spread through me whenever she did that, the way she looked so cute whenever she was crying, the way she never forget to text me good morning and good night every day without fail, the way her eyes narrowed down in anger whenever she saw me flirting with other girls. the way she always said goodbye but came back after taking two steps and hugged me again before leaving.

She was going to take everything away with her. She was leaving me in pieces. Irreparable, irreplaceable, pieces.But i wasn't going to break down. not now.

"Whatever. You think you could do without all this drama? Its grossing me out." I said with all the bitterness i could muster. I don't why i acted like that but i know this much that i didn't want her to know see me all shattered. I didn't want her to see how much she was hurting me with every word she said. I didn't want to give her a reason to feel guilty for our break-up. She wanted it to be mutual but i know she would never forgive herself for that. I couldn't let her live the rest of her life in guilt and pity. She deserved freedom. She deserved to be happy.

                                                                                                
"I'm so sorry" she said hysterically. Her self-restraint was just on the verge of breaking. I could see tears forming in her eyes. "please"

I stood there silently without looking at her eyes, waiting for her final goodbye. But she grabbed my hand and said "say something, for heaven's sake." Another stab on my heart. Another unforgettable, painful memory in my conscience.

"You've said it all" i said with a casual shrug. "You're right. We're done. Well...good luck,then. See you around" I couldn't take it anymore. I had to end it. made to leave but -

"I love you" she had finally started crying "forever".

Why, oh why did she have to play with my feelings like that? Wasn't it enough to break up and go away forever? Why did she have to add more heart-breaking memories to it?

I didn't turn back. I don't think i had the strength to look at her again. I left without another word, leaving her standing alone with tears in her eyes.

And now, here she is, making me relive my worst memory ever. Reliving it herself.

"Hi" she said lamely, trying to make small talk.

I made to reach towards her but just then a we heard someone call out her name. She wiped her tears hastily, looked over her shoulders and gave a week smile. A guy came over to her, hugged her and apologised for his lateness. She returned his smile and looked at me with apology.

I saw it then, the "wedding ring" on her finger.

I left without another word.

I had hurt her. Life had to teach me a lesson. And here it was...

6 comments:

MangoManBunty said...

Holy crap!

Last time something made me feel like this was the video of 'Soniye Hiriye' by Shail.

Amazing! I bet everyone who has ever been in a committed relationship would relate to every word read. I fear if there is any non-fictional quotient here!

Keep writing, please!

Uncensored Raj said...

wow its a great piece...i must say d last one just before this was a hill n this is a mountain......every word every bit of it is true....n last one is every studious guy's ultimate dream....

Jitika Jain said...

thank you so much mm/b..yeah..this was dedicated to all the people who have experienced break up!.....especially my dear ex-friend!....n yeah!..i dnt think i can ever give up writing...its my first love...ul will keep getting many posts from me...!!!

Jitika Jain said...

@uncensored raj: hope waves dont break this mountain and my writing keep improving with every post of mine...thanx a ton for the compliment!...n yeah, wish each n every nerd get a girl like her!

Anish Patel said...

very touchie.......

...Jitsy... said...

thanx @anish...:)