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Blue

I wasn’t ready to meet him. Not yet. Not now when I knew this was gonna be IT. The very last moment. I looked up at the blue sky. Smooth, plain, peaceful. The sun only adds to its immensely beautiful force. How neat! I was jealous. Why couldn’t I be like that heavenly, blue sky? Why can’t I have some peace? Why do I always have to be trapped in turmoil and depression?
Where the hell is he? This is the CCD he said he’ll come to, right? WTF! It’s been 45 minutes now. But I was internally feeling a little relieved that it has not happened yet. As far as I’m concerned, this moment could pause here forever and take me as far away from *separation* that I have been trying not to think about since last month. I ordered cool blue. I had to have something cool and soothing owing to the fact that my head was already bubbling with unpleasant, confused anticipation since the time I had entered. My head had heated up so much because of so much tension and sadness that I had to cool it off before he came. We didn’t need any more fights. And anyways, blue was cool and calm and peaceful. Blue was familiar and friendly. I was wearing blue. My favorite t-shirt. His too. Ha! What was I thinking? That wearing his favorite clothes would put off this moment and delay it a bit? Who am I kidding? I knew this moment had to come. Why not sooner than later? Why not just get it done with now?

Sona Mohapatra’s song was playing in the background….

….Yu tutne ki, sab chutne ki…vajah hi nahi thi bachi…
Hum dono ki kaisi thi chupki…jagah hi nahi thi bachi…
Phir main chup kyu hui, phir tu chup kyu hua
Bolo bolo na
Choti si baat ne roka hai raasta, hai hai hai baat kya
Bolo bolo na…..

Yeah! Exactly what I needed now - salt being rubbed on my already deep wounds! And from when did CCD start playing Hindi songs anyways? What happened to their classic Enrique and Westlife stuff?

An hour already. I was sitting just near the entrance. So that if I ever came close to crying (of which I was 200% sure I would) I would run away as fast as I could before he noticed anything. I started rummaging in my purse just for something to do and … WHY??????????

I saw the brooch. The sapphire brooch he had given me on my 22nd birthday. He wanted to give rubies. He loved anything red. I hated red. I found red very wild and disturbing. I insisted on blue. Blue was serene. Peaceful. I’ll have to return it now. I can’t keep it with me. I’ve shed enough tears to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

I closed my purse and instead went to staring out of the glass pane. Bad idea! All I could see was the sea. The blue sea! It seemed like it was high tide day. Sea waves were gushing with so much force and marching ahead to the shore in such perfect intervals, it was hypnotic. It was after a long time when I realized why I loathed the sea so much. The waves were so strong and big that they were slamming into the rocks and crushing them. Not literally. But if you stand near the shore you’ll see the eroded rocks forming a plain smooth surface making it easier for the water to pass. Imagine how strong water has to be to crush stones. And not just any stones, like, big, gigantic rocks they were. How nice it must be to be so powerful that you have the power to make things bend for your will. How powerful it must make you feel. Wish I had the strength and power of those sea waves.

Sky, cool blue, sapphire brooch, sea waves… God! How more paranoid can I get? God wasn’t done yet. Of course!

He came, finally. And he too had to wear a blue linen shirt. And that, when he knows how partial I am with that color on his skin. Why did he have to look like *Zeus* and*Adonis* when I’m supposed to get over him?

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

We both went together.

I looked me in the eyes for what felt like a decade and he wouldn’t take them of my eyes even when I cleared my throat. Twice. Great! Absolutely awesome! I can so easily forget him now. So freaking easy!

Ok. That’s it. “Here’s your stuff” I said abruptly “here’s the brooch that you…well…when you…um, it’s yours…” I finished lamely. And finally, (thank god for that) he took his eyes off my face and turned his attention towards the brooch. In apparent confusion.

“Why are you giving this to me?” he said “It’s yours.”

“It was” I corrected him.

“No. It’s always gonna be yours. You love blue!” he said, smiling for the first time in a month. Shattered, I was!

“Nu-uh! Give it to her.” I always referred to his fiancée as *her* or *she*.

“I can’t. This belongs to you. And anyways, she…she is not much fond of sapphires.” His expression turned sad in a second.

“Lemme guess.” I tried to lift his mood. Even though it was breaking my heart into million tiny pieces, it still hurt me to see him sad. “She likes emeralds?” I said, trying to look all perked up about trying to figure my ex boyfriends fiancée’s stone preferences. He saw through that.

“I’m sorry. A million times over.” He apologized, begging with his eyes for me to understand that he didn’t want to hurt me at all. Of course I was hurt. How could I not be when my boyfriend breaks up with me because this girl he’s marrying is crazily in love with him and because her dad happens to be his dad’s very close friend and rejecting her would turn the elders’ relation sour? So, I didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I got caught up in…”

“It’s okay. When have you ever been on time, anyways?” I asked mockingly.

He turned his head towards the sea I was watching before he came, lost in thought. I could see his mind working furiously to keep this meeting friendly and informal but he couldn’t do it. In fact, for the first time in my life, I was being calm and jolly. Trying to, at least.

“How much time do you have?” I asked him, sensing that he was busy; the way he kept looking at his mobile phone every few minutes was any indication.

“I dunno. Maybe an hour. Depends. She’s got some work. She’ll call.”

“Hmm” was all I could manage.

“When is it?” he understood what I meant. He measured my expression and then said “3 months”.

“Hmm” I said yet again. “Am I invited?” I asked. I couldn’t decipher his expression for a moment but I settled with puzzlement.

“If you want to” he said carefully.

“Chill. I don’t think I can. I’m not insane.” I said, still keeping my tone as friendly and casual as possible.

He saw through that too. Damn it! This is the disadvantage of having a boyfriend who knows you for 4 years. He knows you inside out.

Be cool…be cool…you don’t wanna ruin this…he’s already suffering…be good…don’t cry…BE COOL…

I knew it. Anytime now. Just a matter of seconds. My eyes were already starting to fill and the things in my focus were already blurring due to tears.

“I gotta go.” I actually bellowed. “I, uh…I just forgot I had some important, uh, work.

“But…”

I removed a 100rs note from my wallet and kept it beneath my cool blue. Pulled my purse upon my shoulders and left after a swift “bye”.

I could see his perplexed and sad gaze burning on my back but he didn’t stop me. Thank god for that. He owed me that much.

I hired a cab as soon as I got out, got home. Went into my room and locked myself in it. Only when I had buried myself in my bathroom did I allow myself to cry fully. I barely slept that night. I actually cringed away from the mirror when I saw myself in it in the morning.

Mum didn’t bother calling up on me to ask what the matter was. I have been doing this since a month now and she doesn’t like interfering in these matters. She thinks that these issues are better solved alone. Of course she didn’t know about HIM. But she must’ve guessed about enough. She’s a smart woman. And she’s my mum.

But while I was sniveling over him, I realized I had to move on someday. And waiting for him to get married until moving on was a bad idea. I was blue…and I liked blue…god knows what that meant but this phrase kept popping up in my head all the time.
                                                        

I was blue….it’s true. I’ve been blue ever since last month. But I like blue? Yeah, I like blue- coz it soothes me. Blue is calmness, blue is trust, blue is depth, blue is peace, blue is faith, blue is heaven, blue is me.

And I knew what I had to do then. I picked up my mobile phone and texted him my very last text –

All the best , 
♥ 
me!

Comments

Shanu said…
Wow..loved this post!

Keep writing girl :)
...Jitsy... said…
@shanu:
this cuming from the author of fullon bakwaas..;)...thankyou..:)
Chandra said…
i like it...

I follow you and I wait for feedback from your visit

toll links : http://chandra-unikom.blogspot.com
Anand said…
I may be wrong but your recent posts show only one colour. Every topic seems to revolve around gray side of relationship (Love). People ( I for sure)prefer rainbow of colours and that's why everything is not blue in this world.
As much as I used to love to read your posts, I am discouraged now. Even humor for a change would be good.
All in good faith and nothing against the post.
Pri said…
this was breathtakingly painful...im speechless!!
...Jitsy... said…
@chandra: thnkyou
hoping you'll keep in touch!
n yeah, will surely visit ur blog!!
...Jitsy... said…
@pri: thnk you!

@anand:all my posts reflect my mood..after the post "when's the right time?" i think u can deduce that im not in a very good mental state...n dats wat thiese posts r reflecting..
but criticism is good and always invited in my blog...so will tke it in my stride and will try to provide variety! but until dat time cums,,,please bear me and my unhealthy mental state!
sush said…
wow... u r good at expressing your emotions reallly wel... and the way u related everything to the colour blue... its mind boggling... baki what i think is already said well by others... so i neednt say more... except, for one last time... wow
Anish Patel said…
I guess you r still not move on from post, "when's the right time?".... and These post would add only painfull....
I would suggest, Keep yourself busy in funny things, more socializing... some inspiration movies too help.. n then the song from Shaan.. Bhool Ja.....
...Jitsy... said…
@sush: thnx yaa....:)
...Jitsy... said…
@anish : i AM movin on....lil bit...thnx for the suggestion though..would try doin dat...:)

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