Saturday, April 10, 2010

Stuck in a limbo!

I've never been more aware of myself...
It's as if someone has opened a window of a forsaken part of my mind which i had kept tightly shut and forgotten about until now. Everything's coming flooding back and changing my total self, introducing me to my other self, my alter-ego, the real me.

I've never been more sure of myself...
i know exactly what i want in life. my most inner desires, my wants, my needs, all spread out in front of me as if i'm watching some slow life-altering movie. All that i hated and loved, things i never thought i'd do or let happen; never thought i'd come across the real me. I now know exactly which path i need to walk on, where my life's supposed to head, where i'l see myself 10 yrs from now.

I've never been so afraid of myself...
I was never good with responsibilities. I always failed in that department. Same's the case with power. Power makes me over confident. It ruins me. I destroy myself. This self awareness, surity, aim, goal - I dont have the strength to handle it all. I've sudenly become so vulnerable to myself that it scares me it'll get over my head and distract me from my path.

I've never been so angry with myself...
I know what i'm supposed to do, what my goals are; but i've never felt so helpless. Coz i'm also aware of the responsibility that comes with it and the power that follows after. It scares me to know that i have the power to rule my life and this realisation is threatening. I'm the most dangerous at my most powerful. I've experienced it before and it would be foolish to let that happen again.

So what does all this mean? Where does it lead me?
All i want now is for this open window to be closed again forever and for it to get lost in the deepest maze of my mind so that it becomes untraceable.
Self awareness be damned!

3 comments:

MangoMan/Bunty said...

Now dat's weird! I would do anything to be in ur position of enlightenment! ('Bodhi Tree' here at XL doesnt do any good - I just hope u've heard BT shit!)

Par ye enlightenment hua kaise??

Jitika Jain said...

its been comin since some tym...but trust me....itna zyaada enlightenment is not gud...atleast not for me....
ignorance is better....u learn so much more thru it....n surprises are always welcome...

Anish Patel said...

That's Great that you knew the meaning of your life at such a young age... People don't even get glimpse of this enlightenment in whole life... lucky girl...