I know I’m fat, ugly, lazy, useless, snobbish and every other word that would fill a 1000 pages’ book. I know how much this irritates you to the core and wouldn’t mind doing some hocus-pocus on me to transfer me into some “universally adored doll”. I know you’re internally (and not doing much progress in hiding this feeling externally as well) hating me for what I am. I know that my friend is always better than me in everything and that you wouldn’t think twice before swapping me with her.
I know everything you feel when you look at me and also the pain I’m causing you with every wrong thing I do. Every one of my back answer’s make you want to slap me and beat me until I’m improved. Everyone of my I’ll do it later!’s make you want to lock me in a dark cellar full of cockroaches and lizards. I know you feel embarrassed and humiliated to even introduce me or talk to in front of your acquaintances. I know and understand every fucking thing you keep accusing me of not understanding…
But do you know?
Do you know how much your why in the world did I ever think of having you and such a useless prat you are and I’m better off without you hurts me and makes me feel unwanted. Do you know how much I try to improve myself so that I can reach the standards you’ve set for me only to fail in the end and feel depressed not for myself, but for not living up to your expectations? Do you know how much I miss any kind of reassurance you could give me when I fail and want someone to hold me tight and kiss me and say that everything will be all right, just don’t lose your hope?
I know it doesn’t matter. All that matter to you is results!
The effort goes unnoticed. The love and feelings put into achieving the desired results go unnoticed.
So what should be done when the person who is supposed to have improved is not happy herself? What should you do when bitterness takes place instead of happiness for the victory of finally being accepted?
Shouldn’t it be prudent to forget all these social desires and accept me for what I am? To love me for just trying to show love towards you by trying to be what you want me to be? To be my support instead of being the reason of my bitterness?
Wouldn’t it be good for both of us if you just let me be me?