I want to know what has happened to me. Why I hate this world, the people, my friends, myself… I’m scared of losing myself to the hatred, the jealousy the enmity that’s taken root in me without my knowledge. It’s eating me up, my soul. This hatred….. I can’t find a suitable word for my feeling. I feel lost. I feel lonely.
There was a time when I was carefree, friendly, lovely. Anger was a rarity for me, an impossibility. I lived in a world where I felt beautiful, where my dreams were not just a figment of my imagination but my essence of living, my hope for a better, even lovelier world. Where I met my prince and we lived happily. The happiness emanating from me was so infectious that people couldn’t help but get attracted towards me. I believed in everyone, even those who committed mistakes. There’s hope, I felt. Not everything’s lost. Life can be lived again, rightfully this time.
Then why am I losing myself now? Why am I so mean and cruel and… and…and bad? Why? Why do I find the wrong in everything and everyone? Why does a suggestion or advice given by a friend feel like a taunt, a punishment for my failure? Why do I feel so insecure everytime? As if everyone’s just playing games with me, with my feelings.
I’m become cynical, embittered, suspicious. People, according to me, can only be described in three words – stupidity, meanness, crookedness! Trust, purity of heart, belief in dreams, friendship, love – why do they suddenly not exist? I’m become a monster. I’m become a MISANTHROPE.
The despair flooding through me now is creepy. I feel claustrophobic. I want to run away from myself. I feel like I’m possessed, possessed by the most horrifying, disturbing and self-destroying thoughts which were locked deep, deep down in my head. Which, until now, I didn’t even know existed. It feels as if the lock has been opened and the key is lost. It feels irreversible. Like this thoughts cannot be locked again.
I want to find myself again. The happy me. I want to love again, to hope again, to trust again, to dream again. I want to live again. I don’t ask for altruism. Not the secret to true happiness. I just want to get rid of this hatred, this cynicism. I just want to get rid of this misanthropy….