28th Nov, 2010
That's what it takes.
You jump down a cliff. Slit your wrist. Take pills. Hang yourself from the fan.
You choose to close the book. End all your troubles. Say goodbye to them forever. And the biggest reward you get is that it can't be undone. You win. You've won over them all - the pain, the emptiness, the rejection, the neglect, the deception or whatever it was that drove you to these extremes.
You smile at the ease of all of it. You smile at death and welcome it with open arms. You smile during your last breath knowing that the next second gives you freedom. You smile through it all.
It's not cowardice. Not in the true sense. I understand, totally, that committing suicide is no child's play. There's courage involved of a completely different level. There's commitment and there's pain. But there's also determination which drives all the other emotions away.
I don't underestimate suicide. I don't not understand the need to close the book.
I don't underestimate the courage invested.
And then there's a completely different type of courage.
The courage to turn the page and move on to the next chapter. The courage to embrace the unexpected and sometimes, uninvited. The courage to take a turn towards an unknown alley not knowing what's awaiting at the end of it. The courage to turn your back on life, not in a way where you end it all, but in a way where you choose a different path knowing that the life you're leaving behind are the memories which will haunt you until you rest you head on the death bed.
It is the prospect of starting a completely new life, but with the past memories and mistakes for company, and knowing you're never going back, back to the cozy shelter of the house which saw you grow, to the lap of the mother who loved you selflessly and will always do, to the father who had great aspirations from you, whose chest swelled with pride whenever he saw you, to the brothers and sisters who looked up to you, who fought with you, shared secrets with you, to the life which you know will be easier than the one you're heading towards which needs courage of a caliber even greater then when you thought of suicide. Coz it becomes the hardest when you know you can always turn back towards the house, the mother, the father and all and have the confidence that they'll accept you without a second thought but you promise yourself that you're never turning back. That's where you courage is tested the most.
I'm not courageous
enough. To start a new life with the video of the past life always ready to start playing in my head. I'm just not. And I don't have a valid reason for what I'm doing today or why I'm doing it. I'm just doing it.
All my life I lived for others. Today, I want to die for myself.
She closes her diary and stares at it. For a long time.
She's dead nervous. She's still not sure whether she's courageous enough to do it. The face of her 6-year self is smiling back at her. She stares at her photo and tries to remember the girl she was 16 years ago.
"Dad, can I go the party? Pleeeeaase?"
"No. You're a girl. And the party is going to start very late. I'll not allow it."
She looks at her room. For the very last time, she realizes. She's waiting, almost hoping for the nostalgia and guilt to stop her. But truth be told, she already knew she's gonna go through what she decided the moment she wrote it in her diary. There's just nothing to stop her now.
"We're planning to go for a vacation"
"Wow, where to?"
"Awesome, it'll be fun."
"you're not coming, ofcourse."
"You've got exams to study for remember?"
"But if all of you are going, that means I'll stay alone at home?"
"Noway. You're staying at your aunt's place"
"But I'm big enough to stay alone."
"You're not staying alone. That's final."
Its funny how the time is moving so fast. Like always, time always had the unobliging tendency to double its speed whenever she was looking forward to something unpleasant. She decides to go through her photos. The last thing, she promises herself.
"You know, I was thinking of maybe taking up journalism"
"I think you should do C.A. Everyone's doing that and it's much more respectable."
She lets her tears flow as she saw herself age on paper. Each photo made a different memory pop into her head making her get lost in its oblivion for some time. Wonder was what she felt as she realized how fast time flew by. How fast she matured. How fast she became old enough to make her own decisions. The biggest decision of her life.
"Whom are you texting to?"
"It's just a college friend"
"A GIRL. For heavens sake, people. Can't you trust me?"
"It's not the question of trust"
"It's only the question of trust"
She just can't delay any longer. She's getting a feeling that if she couldn't do it now, she won't be able to do it ever. She looks at her house for one last time and moves towards the destiny she wrote for herself.
"I don't want to get married."
"You're 21. It's time. You have to."
"But there's so much more left to do. I've hardly lived my life."
"You can live your life, honey. With your husband this time."
Fear grips her as she looks down at the tiny ant-like cars parked on the ground. She straightens up and stares straight ahead. Tiny sparkles of lights draw a pretty picture on the black canvas that is the sky. She sighs, takes a deep breath, and prepares herself for the fall.
"You've been the best daughter ever, B. I'll miss you very much."
"I'll miss you too, Dad."
"I love you... Will it be too girlie if I cry now?"
"Is you loving me such a horrible thing that it makes you cry?"[Jokingly]
"I love you too, Dad. I do."
With one foot dangling mid-air, she freezes. The memory of her and dad hits her with a huge wave of guilt. What the hell is she doing? Whatever her life has been, it shouldn't end that way. It'll be poor repayment for the 22 years of life that her parents gave her.
But she can't go back. Not to the place where she feels smothered each and every moment of her existence. She can't bear to handle that anymore. She is just not ready to go back to the life where her dreams were always mocked, her aspirations stifled. Whatever she does, she's not going back.
And that's when she realizes what she has to do.
She readies herself to turn to the next chapter. I'll close the book, she thinks, when the story gets over.
"Where do you wish to go, Ma'am?"
"Sikkim... I'll go to Sikkim."