Skip to main content

Unplugged Trance

A tiny part of my mind says I've been here.
Its a thought, I think.

I walk with that heady sense of purpose with a very unusual emotion named 'determination' etched on my face. Unusual coz determination is not me. Two crease lines on my face reveal the mingled tension and feverish excitement frothing and bubbling inside the calm facade.

Today is just like any other day. Today, i walk around those desolate streets searching for that one face, that house, that small playground behind that building, that broken swing with S.T. scratched on its seat, that kulfi-waala who hypnotizes children to buy kulfis in his sing-song voice, that P.C.O. which swallowed thousands of coins in favor of shattering my dreams forever. Today, I search for all of these with just as much anticipation as I did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that and so on and so forth. Today is same in all terms. Today, my feet still want to turn back and run away from this creepy hell-hole and not look back again. Today, I still remember vividly why I left here and why its taken me such a long time to find my way back again. Today, I'm just as scared of rejection and ignorance and denial as I was when I first stepped on these grounds. 
But today, I don't care as much about the fear or the creepy feeling or the past or anything which threatens to break the cords connecting me to this place. Today, I don't care whether its the last time ever or will always remain the first time of forever. Today, I'm purposeful. Today, I feel closer to destiny than I ever was in all this time. Today, therefore, is very different than all the other days. All the other days are irreplaceable, unchangeable. Today is happening and parts of it are still to happen. Today, I see hope. Today, I'm sure, is not gonna be like any other day. Today is going to be fruitful.

I no longer have to halt and think about where to go next. My feet are moving on their own accord, tracing the path which they have been taking everyday towards the same destination, leaving me free to dwell on things much more important. The deeper I go into this place, the stronger becomes the nostalgia, the guilt, the anticipation and the feeling that I'm there, at last. 

The buildings and shops around me are thinning. The road starts curving upwards which leaves me to see nothing but the forget-me-not blue sky and the murky, dusty road ahead flanked by trees on both sides with nothing for company but loneliness and the dread of what's awaiting me at the very end.

I'm about to reach the very top of the road and claustrophobia is already making its way through my slowly numbing body. I realize I still have the chance to turn back and forget the horror that'll meet my eyes in just a few seconds. But I realize then that I suddenly don't have control over my feet or on any other part of myself. Try as hard as I may to stop and turn back, my feet seem to have developed a mind of their own and are still placing themselves one before the other in a synchronized way. The end has come. The upward slope ends at the very top and any time now I'll take the last mistaken step expecting a new path but will instead be greeted by a dead-end and one leg dangling in mid-air, I'll lose my balance and fall face forwards into the fierce and ultra-strong waves crushing into the stones some 100feet beneath where I'm standing. I'll let out a blood curling scream a nano-second before the fall continuing onto my bed and making me sweat all over until I realize its nothing but a dream and finally wake up. And that's how I'll greet my new morning.

But, surprise makes my mouth fall open and makes my feet take an unexpected halt. Coz instead of a dead-end, my eyes are scanning a little village far below from where I'm standing. The road I've taken is taking a downward slope leading me towards the place I've spent my whole childhood in. Greenery, pond, small houses, it hasn't changed a bit. I can see the orange flag over a white marble temple in the middle of a village soaring and dancing in tune with the wind. I see the lake at other side of the village, some ducks swimming in it, a girl sitting on one bank, splashing her legs on its cool surface and looking at the setting sun. It feels so serene. But it's just a tiny blur from where I'm standing. I have to go down there to actually see it for real, to touch it, to feel it.

Even though my instincts are shouting at me to not be foolish and turn back thinking that this could be a trap, my heart has swelled five times its size just by the sight of the village downhill. I take one tentative step [coz despite my resolve I can't help waiting for the road to dissolve into nothingness making me fall into darkness], then another, and when I'm pretty sure there's nothing to fear, I break into a swift run with anticipation shining brightly in my eyes. I realized I had left the claustrophobia and the numbness at the top of the bridge.

Finally reaching the temple, I run inside it and look into the eyes of the God whom I had abandoned just like I had abandoned my childhood, the people forming it and all the memories relating to it. I just stand there, looking at the statues of the most miraculous people in my life and feel calmness spreading through and brightening every fiber of my body. Ringing the bell of the temple, I see the birds take flight into the air and for the first time in so many years I feel light.
I reach a house at the very end of the village, its roof covered with creepers, some cows grazing in the backyard, the house has a neglected feel to it, but is still inviting. I walk towards it, memories of 16 years of childhood blurring my gaze and I find myself,forever to come, feeling euphoric.

The only question that punctures this happy moment is this wonder : Am I dreaming or is this for real?


u write very beautifully!! I hope and pray its real:-)
Amazing.... you really write very well... keep it up :)
Dandelion said…
bollywoodstylediaries: thanx...
i too hope its real...thats what had put me in a spot..i had kept dis post in drafts for 2 weeks after which i thot that the end ends here...a lil mystery never did much harm!

BornIndividualist: thanx so much!
Anish Patel said…
intellectual writing... hmmmm..... I love it... keep it up......
n ya... wish I live near by that village..... :) .... sounds awesome with your narration....
Dandelion said…
thanx so much anish...
reading YOUR comment after such a long tym...
US seems to be keeping you hooked and busy huh?

Popular posts from this blog

One moment please.

That relief you feel when you see their eyes stunned and their faces pained - even if for a second - that momentary relief! That is what makes us say hurting things, to be mean. That's what makes us want to scream and swear and make them cry. That relief that makes you feel that you don't have to bear it alone. It's eerily peaceful!

That one short moment makes it less devastating. That you're not the only one with problems. You're not the only one fucked up. You are not the only depressed soul. You can  see the ghost of the laughter that still hasn't left their mouth before your outburst and it gives you hope, maybe even a little perspective.
Suddenly, the world is a much bigger place and you're a barely-existent dot on that globe. You see the bigger picture. You see that there are much bigger problems. Problems that you would never, ever want to encounter. You see that the person standing in front of you - the person that you've just yelled at - it sp…

Yes, I know you know it.

Life is a bitch. My only advice to you is run. Run before she catches up with you and bites you in your bum. 
If you’ve read the above lines and agreed (sadly or grudgingly or whatever) you’ve been bitten already, HARD and it wouldn’t hurt to yell some well chosen curses to the wind either. Do it now. Let the pain out. Let your folks think you’re out of your mind. Let someone get offended and yell some profanities back at you. Let the birds fly away from you in shock. Let your boss fire you for going nuts. No… no, don’t. I take that back. Go yell in a bathroom or something if you’re in your office or yell at someone who works under you. Show them that you’re the boss. Be Hari Sadu from the advertisement for if you want to and as liberating as that may make you feel, make sure the Hari Sadu of your life doesn’t get to see your performance. *winks* After all he’s the one paying who is paying you for everything you own down to your underwear, right?
You see the irony here? You c…

Lessons - learnt the hard way.

If you don't make an effort to be remembered. You're forgotten.People leave. Heart shatters. Just a little lesser every time.Loneliness is way underrated.If you're confused about being with someone, then save them the heart aches - Don't be with them.Life is overrated and pointless. You're living not because you feel alive. You're living because there's still time for death.It wasn't love. It was a matter of priority.Don't hate so much. You're going to regret it too damn much when you see the person you hated with a burning passion reflected in that pitiless mirror.Love changes to hope, flickers and gives away by the way of regret. Hate - it intensifies.Ego is just a selfish way used to stay away from confrontation. It bows away only when its too late for anything else.
And this last one I learnt after observing this elderly lady on the train back from Rajasthan.

Love is having that one person in your life you want to say your first "Good Mor…