Monday, July 5, 2010

So many questions. Never a satisfactory answer!


We chatted every day. We shared secrets with each other. We got close to each other in such a short span of time that life without him seems impossible. Incomplete. Like I’m missing something or nothing seems right when I don’t chat with him one day. I thought he was my rebound. That thought sure disturbed me but I pushed it in the darkest part of my head and expected it to rust and die there. I’ve been doing this for quite some time now. So easy and problem-free life becomes when you don’t have negative thought looming inside your head all day! But now we don’t chat so frequently and I don’t feel as restless about not talking to him as I used to before. He doesn’t need me as much as he used to before, too. Maybe, he WAS my rebound. And I was his. And now that we’ve helped each other and cured our problems, we don’t need *us* anymore. I thought, during the post-R phase, that one more goodbye and I’ll be shattered. Hahahahahahahha… it all seems so funny  confusing funny now.
 No, we haven’t ceased contact totally. But it seems strained. Like, I have to do it because that’s the way it has always been and because I don’t wanna hurt him or I don’t wanna be the one to step back. It feels like a duty or a compulsion. I don’t get the feeling to do it from the heart. He’s helped me in many ways. He’s helped me heal, helped me get my pre-R confidence and attitude back and most of all, made me believe that loving again and trusting again won’t hurt. Yeah, I’m not the “devdasi” that I was back then anymore. I’ve learnt (what I’ve known always) that you can’t give up on love and hope and happiness and trust just because it backfired with one person. However important he may have been! There’s a new life waiting out there for you. A new someone. And P just helped me gain that belief back. And now, I see him slipping out of my life. Just like water trickling down my hands as I stand in my shower and think about all this and WONDER!

What was this, God? So fast? Rebound? Hope? Trust? Love? Him? Me? Us? R? Why? Why? Why?
So many questions. Never a satisfactory answer!

How do U expect me to trust you when you play with my life like it’s some stupid adventure game. I want to trust you. Just show me how. And also WHY!
I’m waiting. Desperately.

7 comments:

Arpitha Holla said...

I know how u feel, broken, confused and sometimes it all seems funny.. i feel the same..usually the questions u get from a relation with one person will be answered by another person soon.. well thts whts been happening with me lately (hope you got wht I meant..).. it just takes time, but all the questions will be answered for sure..
:) take care dear.. :)

Anish Patel said...

well.... it is normal.. it happens when U r young n energetic n impatient....
People have many crushes / love / affairs at young age so don't worry.. it will make you strong...

...Jitsy... said...

@ARPITHA: i hope i get my answers...m so confused dat i can kill...:@
neways, thanx for d concern!

...Jitsy... said...

@anish: yea, m an impatient teenager
but no, dis ain't about having crushes or love or sumthin...
remember my post abt R? its jus freindship...but sumtyms it hurts more dan it would hav hurt in a break up!

Deboshree said...
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Deboshree said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deboshree said...

Heyyy!!
I just stumbled on ur blog and its awesome :-)
When I was reading this post, I felt as if I had felt the same series of experience and emotions you have portrayed through this post..
I also used to chat with some X, and he provided me with reasons to cherish my individuality, but now though our relation isn't technically strained, yet the contact is born more out of compulsion and courtesy for the sake of good old times!!
Initially I also felt as if I lost something huge, but now I feel I was so damn silly!! :P

(well, I never wink at any girl, but by commenting I made sure that you know :P :P)